Have You Seen This Bunny? The FBI Needs Your Help

The FBI is looking for this Hare in connection with a grisly murder of a group of health food nuts who have campaigned to have traditional Easter basket treats replaced with healthy food alternatives and educational toys. The Hare, known to many as The Easter Bunny, emailed his manifesto to The New York Times explaining his reason for the murders.


“These health nuts want to take everything away,” EB (as he refers to himself in his written diatribe) explained. “They wanted to ban chocolate and peanut butter eggs, dark chocolate bunnies, white chocolate bunnies, MARSHMALLOW PEEPS and even JELLY BEANS!!  And do you know what they want to put in baskets instead?  Real carrot sticks, celery, apples, math toys, word puzzles and jump ropes for exercise!   If they had their way, their message of hatred would spread to Santa or the Tooth Fairy. They already launched their assaults against the Great Pumpkin and Halloween with their devoted followers handing out toothbrushes and smart granola bars instead of Snickers and Kit Kat bars. I am not evil…I hop down the bunny trail once a year just to bring some fun into the lives of the little ones, and each year overzealous parents preach their hatred and fight to ban candy in an effort to prevent their kids from experiencing that special sugar high that comes from ingesting 400 assorted colored jelly beans in one sitting. This is what Easter is about!”

The FBI has discovered the body of one of the health food victims floating in a vat of melted dark chocolate at the Cadbury Cream Egg Factory. The victim was clutching a long piece of hair that DNA tests have proved belonged to the famous bunny.  Size 32 footprints were also found on the scene which might be linked to the Hare.  The FBI asks that if anyone sees a suspicious-looking seven-foot bunny hopping along, that you contact their local field office. They also warn people not to approach the bunny as he is armed with solid chocolate eggs, which when hurled, can cause life threatening injury. EB is known to disguise himself by wearing a variety of bow ties and colorful vests.

By: Ranjan Gupta
By: Ranjan Gupta



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11 thoughts on “Have You Seen This Bunny? The FBI Needs Your Help”

  1. I think I saw him on Good Friday bribing a vegetation assassin in an underground parking facility. A pile of silver Hershey kiss wrappers were collected as evidence.

  2. We should all give thanks that you created HO to bring stories like this to light. You might find this hard to stomach Don Don’s but The New York Time didn’t even print his manifesto!!!!!!!!

  3. That portrait of the Easter Bunny bears a strong resemblance to a scary clown. He’s more likely to scare the stuffing out of little kids than make them happy, although a mouthful of dark chocolate can go a long way toward soothing frightened little minds.

    I didn’t know the Easter Bunny was seven feet tall! Are you sure you’re not mixing him up with Harvey the Pookah?

  4. Yo, health food freaks – you better batter and deep fry those veggies, and dip those fruits in chocolate, or I’ll be layin’ down serious suppression fire of choco eggs in support of the EB.

  5. I think I saw him skiing at the Cataloochee ski resort. If I report this, are FBI (Fantasy Bunny Investigation) forces preep-hared for rabbit deployment?

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