The FBI is looking for this Hare in connection with a grisly murder of a group of health food nuts who have campaigned to have traditional Easter basket treats replaced with healthy food alternatives and educational toys. The Hare, known to many as The Easter Bunny, emailed his manifesto to The New York Times explaining his reason for the murders.
“These health nuts want to take everything away,” EB (as he refers to himself in his written diatribe) explained. “They wanted to ban chocolate and peanut butter eggs, dark chocolate bunnies, white chocolate bunnies, MARSHMALLOW PEEPS and even JELLY BEANS!! And do you know what they want to put in baskets instead? Real carrot sticks, celery, apples, math toys, word puzzles and jump ropes for exercise! If they had their way, their message of hatred would spread to Santa or the Tooth Fairy. They already launched their assaults against the Great Pumpkin and Halloween with their devoted followers handing out toothbrushes and smart granola bars instead of Snickers and Kit Kat bars. I am not evil…I hop down the bunny trail once a year just to bring some fun into the lives of the little ones, and each year overzealous parents preach their hatred and fight to ban candy in an effort to prevent their kids from experiencing that special sugar high that comes from ingesting 400 assorted colored jelly beans in one sitting. This is what Easter is about!”
The FBI has discovered the body of one of the health food victims floating in a vat of melted dark chocolate at the Cadbury Cream Egg Factory. The victim was clutching a long piece of hair that DNA tests have proved belonged to the famous bunny. Size 32 footprints were also found on the scene which might be linked to the Hare. The FBI asks that if anyone sees a suspicious-looking seven-foot bunny hopping along, that you contact their local field office. They also warn people not to approach the bunny as he is armed with solid chocolate eggs, which when hurled, can cause life threatening injury. EB is known to disguise himself by wearing a variety of bow ties and colorful vests.