Washington, D.C – With temperatures climbing into the upper 70’s or maybe higher in much of the United States on Christmas Eve, The National Institute of Health has issued Santa heat stroke warnings. Please follow the following protocol to ensure the safety of St. Nick who is not only old–and by that we mean freaking old and too old for life insurance. Hell, he’s even too old for that final expense and long-term care insurance, and if he expired, what would happen to Mrs. Claus? We assume the elves would take care of her, but can you really be sure of that? How do we know what goes on in the North Pole? They might be itching to get their hands on that castle. Anyway, did we mention he’s also obese and flying through different time and temperature zones quickly? In other words, he’s a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. So please observe our recommendations so that we can protect Santa and keep Christmas cheer alive for generations to come.
- Forget the cozy fireplaces and turn on the air conditioner
- If you have a pool, let him know he is welcome to take a dip. Don’t bitch about the reindeer hair in the filter either. They deserve to cool off too.
- Do not leave cookies and cocoa. Instead leave a six-pack of Gatorade and either salt tablets or pretzels. A cold beer would be nice too. I think that sleigh runs on the RPS (Reindeer Positioning System) and it knows where to go, so I doubt there is a drinking and driving issue.
- Do not expect him to sing and dance and HO, HO, HO out loud for long stretches of time. With his long whiskers and woolen suit, he’ll keel over before he reaches the second stanza of “Jingle Bells.”
- No sitting on his lap if you are over 50 pounds or three-feet tall.
- Help him unpack the sleigh.
- Don’t ask him to explain in detail why you were on the naughty list. Confrontations will only make him sweat and pass out…or worse. Remember this: if you kill Santa…you’re pretty much screwed forever.