I was waiting for this to be put on video and as a result waited too long … so now here’s my new Christmas column, coming out just in time for my youngest daughter’s birthday. I thought of deleting “Scrooge” and putting in “Jill”, but it just didn’t work. Hopefully this will be animated for next year, but meanwhile you just have to read this and imagine my voice or, perhaps better, don’t.
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK:
How the Grinch Spent Christmas
I was in Dollar General—
I don’t make this stuff up—
When I ran into the Grinch,
And his reindeer, the pup.
“What brings you to town?” I asked, to be nice.
“The last time I heard you suffered the vice
Of hating all Christmas, the presents and lights;
Yet you stand in the isle of Yuletide delights.”
It’s true: We were right in the holiday lane,
The same place I cursed when Halloween came.
There were pine trees by pumpkins, costumes with wreaths.
You could get pumpkin spice with mint or with wraiths.
(See what I did, there?)
“I’ve joined the club”, he told me with a sneer.
“I’m going full out on Christmas this year.
I’m buying up lights and tinsel and stuff;
Don’t know what this is, but I can’t get enough.”
The thing he held up was a Thanksgiving display,
On clearance from last month, but I didn’t say.
“But I don’t understand,” I told the green guy.
“I thought you hate Christmas, and want it to die.”
“Oh, I do,” said the Grinch, with a Darth Vader like laugh.
(I don’t think Vader chortled, so that may be a gaff.)
“I’m joining the club; I’m going all in.
The result is a club they won’t want to be in!
“I’m putting up stockings, a tree in each room,
Outside speakers from which carols will boom.
Gaudy garland to drape all over my cave,
And starting that evening: all night holiday rave.
“I’ll have not tree skirts—oh no, tree gowns!
My garland will go wrapping around and around
Not just my home but the whole doggone mountain—
And a red, green, and yellow spice flavored fountain.
“Candles and pillows and shelves of snow globes,
Warm but so gaudy sweaters and robes,
Pillows and rugs and a gingerbread house—
And my wife will be decored … if I find me a spouse.
“Decoration limits? We won’t have any lid.
My holiday lights will take down the whole grid!
I’ll blind passing planes, then I’ll darken the state.
And then I’ll light candles and start a clean slate.
“And, oh yes, I’ll put my own name up in a blaze,
In rich Christmas colors, to cut through the haze
So all the Who’s down in Whoeville, that dump
Will know it is I who gave Christmas a bump.”
I have to admit, I was a bit mystified.
When it comes to the Grinch—well, this wasn’t the side
You think of when picturing this big green guy.
(Sure, he’s no Hulk, but still.)
So with great trepidation, I had to ask: “Why?”
“Why? You want to know why?”
(He sounded very much like Jack Nicolson at this point.)
“I’ll tell you why.
“My plan can’t be stopped, so I’ll tell you the reason:
By the time I’m done you’ll be sick of this season.
Everyone will hate Christmas: The music will grate,
The spice cinnamon stuff will make them hesitate
“To go out and carol, even if it fat free!
Or at least that’s how I’d feel, if caroling me.
And when it’s all done, they’ll feel the same way
As they feel about me—the Grinch—every day.”
I have to admit, he’d made a good plan.
Immersion attack from a Christmas hit man.
And it would have worked too, except he didn’t see
It had already been done, with consumerist glee.
I began to explain, but we’d hit the checkout,
And I realized what he was about to find out.
The clerk rang it up, a green sounding ring,
The numbers kept rising with every new bling.
The Grinch stumbled back, his hand to his head.
“With that bill the reindeer dog won’t get fed,
The heat will go off, hot chocolate won’t trickle—
I’ll end up a homeless, frozen Grinch-cicle!”
And he left his load there: every last light and trinket.
“If I knew of the cost I never would think it!
I’m going old school, next year I’ll lay low
And steal all the stuff from the Who’s down below.”
It’s an odd way to save Christmas, I think you’ll agree.
But that’s just how it happened … take it from me.