Midlife shape-shifting: Where’d my glutes go? | HumorOutcasts

Midlife shape-shifting: Where’d my glutes go?

September 9, 2015

So I never had the tush of a Victoria’s Secret model or the baby-got-back booty of a certain Kardashian. But on the other side of 50, it’s as if my once reasonably well-rounded derriere deflated.

Having a flat chest
was the bane of my teen years.
Now my ass is flat.

I first noticed it when I was trying on jeans in a dressing room with a three-way mirror: my glutes were gone. Looking at myself in profile, my belly curved outward more than my rear end. If I sucked in my stomach, stood up really straight and tightened my butt muscles, it reversed the trend. But c’mon – how long could I walk around like that?

The experts explain that a drooping derriere results from a combination of genetics (which determines where fat is stored on your body), hormones (women store more fat in our hips and butts compared to men – something that tends to change after menopause when our bellies get the lion’s share), poor posture and a sedentary lifestyle. Oh, and there’s the inexorable downward pull of good ole gravity.

The solution?

Well, as with most things age-related, it pretty much comes down to exercise, cosmetic surgery or illusion.

Exercises like squats and lunges work the glutes and help give your buttocks more definition. It takes consistent effort (Buns of Steel, anyone?), but it can help prevent your rear end from sliding out your underwear and down the back of your thighs.

Or you can buy a new backside. One option is gluteal (aka butt) implants made of soft-solid silicone that are surgically inserted into the buttocks. Same concept as breast augmentation, except you sit on these implants.

But the surgical approach that’s currently all the rage is called the Brazilian butt lift. The doctor liposuctions fat tissue from other parts of your body – like the meno-pot belly – and injects it into the buttocks to enhance their size and shape (talk about killing two birds with one stone, plus it’s still your tissue – just relocated). Costs for the procedure range from – you ready? – $7,000 to $15,000.

For those who prefer to take their rear ends off at night, there are products called “enhanced panties” – like a padded bra for your butt. Two companies, Booty Pop and Feel Foxy, have gotten a lot of press lately and both reported significant sales increases in the past year. Evidently, big butts are big business.

And then there’s always option #4: I could just not give a rat’s ass – and accept my body just the way it is. And stay away from three-way mirrors.





Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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6 Responses to Midlife shape-shifting: Where’d my glutes go?

  1. September 10, 2015 at 10:00 am

    These are the things I ask myself when considering an aesthetically dodgy body part:
    1) Who is that cares what it looks like? If it’s a man – he can go eat his pants. Have you seen how low your man parts are hanging now honey? If it’s a girlfriend – go take care of your own fat/flat ass. Either way, yours ain’t too pretty either!
    2) Is the offensive body part functional? In the case of my ass, yes it is. I can sit on it and do the other thing that rhymes with sit so I’m really not that bothered what it looks like. I’ve known for years that my legs go all the way up and make an ass of themselves but I don’t look at it that often to be honest. Oh and Squats – I did one of those once and it didn’t work. Great post Roxanne! 🙂

    • September 10, 2015 at 10:10 am

      You make excellent points, Gilly! If anyone has a problem with my butt, they can kiss it, right?

  2. September 10, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Remember when a fat ass was considered….well a fat ass. Fat chance I’d pay for that! Oh the joys of old age…..

    • September 10, 2015 at 10:14 am

      I know…I can’t imagine forking over good money just to to have more padding back there. And the folks who are getting publicity for the size of their asses — I think they’re just asses.

  3. September 10, 2015 at 9:25 am

    Welcome to the club! And thanks for commenting!

  4. September 9, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    As a man with no ass, I can truly appreciate this article.I can’t afford to give a rat’s ass either. Hell, I barely have enough for me.

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