The Realist’s Workout | HumorOutcasts

The Realist’s Workout

February 6, 2015

BestBossMugAt first blush, it seemed like my boss had done me a huge favor by letting me off early last week.

What a great opportunity. I could catch up on some errands, do some banking in person, maybe finally weed the garden (or garden the weeds), wash the dog, clean the baseboards, make something real for dinner, invent cold fusion…so many things possible.

Then it hit me: I should workout.triathalonbikers

That’s what people do who care, right? They get some extra time, they go run a marathon, or swim a channel, or tackle an Iron Man thingy, right? I’m in. Let’s give my legs some definition. I want to know what my core is. Let’s figure out what people mean when they use terms like stamina and wind.

On the first day, I got home with enough daylight left to actually do a workout.  A workout!  I chose a lovely jog in the neighborhood. An activity that led many major parts of my body to rebel, form alliances, then punish me.

I learned so much from my first time out. iliotibialbandApparently the iliotibial band and the hip flexors have a great relationship with the gluteus maximus and the lateral epicondyle and together they can bring all physical activity to a screeching halt, in a very comedic fashion to anyone watching, in a matter of seconds. I’m glad I could provide the gift of laughter to the neighborhood kids.

Then, I instantly developed this horrible, debilitating condition. I had to end the run early so I could stop some sort of fluid from leaking from my skin (what is that gross stuff?). I must have contracted some bizarre tropical disease after I turned the corner from my house.

I limped slowly home and was able to apply a homeopathic treatment called booze that was a very effective salve when applied internally.boozeinglasses

After the second day, I showed the wisdom of my age and went straight home to apply the salve immediately.  I love that I get smarter as I get older.

And you know what? The pain and the problems went away. So know I have a new workout routine, and you can call me for the recipe for my treatment plan anytime.  It’s really very simple.

Forrest Brakeman

Forrest is a former stand-up comedian, half of the ancient comedy team of Proops & Brakeman. After training with the Groundlings, he founded the improv comedy group Los Angeles Theatresports where he performed and served as Co-Artistic Director. Forrest has performed at The Comedy Store and The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, The Punch Line and Cobb's Pub in San Francisco, and has appeared on The Tonight Show and The Sunday Comics. His essays have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy/The Mid, Boomer Cafe, the Los Angeles Daily News, NPR's "This I Believe," and the Chicago Cubs Yearbook (you heard me).

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17 Responses to The Realist’s Workout

  1. February 11, 2015 at 9:49 pm

    I attempted to follow your suggestion with a twist. I lined up the shot glasses on a tread mill and tried to drink one every mile. They ended up spilling. I hate to waste so I’m now on your plan of just the shot glasses each morning

    • February 12, 2015 at 3:57 pm

      You were using the carrot on a stick method. I prefer to skip the stick and go straight to the carrot. I salute your morning routine and the dedication that requires! Cheers.

  2. February 9, 2015 at 9:41 am

    This is a good workout.

    I think they make car magnets in the shape of shotglasses that say 0.5 instead of 13 or 26 point whatever. If they don’t make those, you should invent those.

    On second thought, there’s a good chance that magnet is also a cop magnet.

    • February 10, 2015 at 5:12 pm

      Whenever I workout I am a cop magnet. That’s why my new workout routine is done in the comfort of my home.

  3. February 7, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    If I’d known jogging is for developing a booze habit I would’ve started a lot sooner

    • February 7, 2015 at 5:36 pm

      Why do you think there are so many “running” clubs?

  4. Laura
    February 6, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    Okay, so let me get this straight. Your first time out, you jogged, and then you injured yourself in public, but only a block from your house? At which point you broke into a sweat, and became so alarmed that you had to limp home and drink yourself calm? And then on day 2 you just cut to the chase and went straight for the cure? This would make a great short film.

  5. Bill Y Ledden
    February 6, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    I remember seeing the the iliotibial band and the hip flexors play live once. They were good.

    • February 6, 2015 at 3:18 pm

      I think Ruptured Spleen opened for them.

  6. Bill Spencer
    February 6, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    Doesn’t Gluteus Maximus seem like a good name for a Roman emperor?
    And can’t you envision a dance troupe named the Hip Flexors, who dance to the music of the Iliotibial Band?

    • February 6, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      Yes, yes and yes! All infinitely more enjoyable than single-handedly financing my chiropractor’s new Ranger Rover…

  7. February 6, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    So glad you found a cure for your “condition!” I think it’s best if you stay with inventing cold fusion.

    • February 6, 2015 at 1:55 pm

      I’m assuming that cold fusion involves ice and a low ball glass.

  8. February 6, 2015 at 9:37 am

    One works out to get to the “medication part.” Speaking of reality, you’re weeding in your garden? I’m buried under four feet of snow out here in the Land of Nuclear Winter.

    • February 6, 2015 at 12:08 pm

      We could use a little residual fallout from your nuclear winter – my weeds are getting a little brown. Why that could drive me to drink too.

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