Has this cold winter frozen a few too many brain cells? I’m asking because I saw a new product being hawked over the internet, and I am perplexed because I think it’s real, and I think people are buying it.
The product I am talking about is the Face Blanket. I kid you not. It’s sort of like a Snuggie for your face.
Let’s examine this new product. The Face Blanket is an 18” x29” blanket that has a hole sliced through the center. The “high-tech” design (you know cutting out a swatch with scissors) allows the wearer to place said blanket over his or her face with the hole over the nose and mouth area so that breathing and speech is not interrupted. While your nose gets air, the rest of your face stays warm, toasty and covered. And if you think the product will not appeal to the fashion-conscious consumer, thing again. It comes in a variety of colors to match pajamas, bedding or the shot gun that you take on your next bank heist.
Some might ask, “Why? Why do we need a Face Blanket? ” And I wouldn’t blame them for questioning the marketability of this invention, so returning to my roots as an intrepid reporter, I thought I would make an objective pro-con list of this product and its uses, so you can decide if the Face Blanket is for you.
Pro: If you are lost in the Alaskan wilderness, the Face Blanket will keep most your face from freezing off.
Con: There are no cut outs for your eyes ( I consider this a major design flaw), so you’ll probably trip and fall off a mountain and die and you won’t care that your face is not freezing off.
Pro: If you are ever find yourself living with ISIS or some other whackadoodle fanatical group, you have a ready-made disguise which would allow you to appear in videos in a normal, cowardly fashion.
Con: If you are a woman, a naked nose might still be considered too much skin for militant Muslims and you might get stoned anyway.
Pro: You never have to worry about a bad hair day. The Face Blanket goes over your head to hide frizz, split ends, grease and even baldness
Con: If you are trying to blend into the crowd on a bad hair day, the Face Blanket will probably not help you achieve that goal especially if you buy it in canary yellow.
Pro: If you keep one in your car, you are always prepared for those spontaneous 7-11 holdups.
Con: Again, there are NO EYE HOLES, so you can’t see what the clerk is doing when you tell him to hand over the money. If he’s not keeling over with laughter, chances are he’s hitting the panic button under the register, and the cops are on their way.
Pro: The soft fabric can add a new and gentler dimension to kinky sex blindfold games
Con: Honestly, I have no con for this. I’m stumped.
Pro: If you wear it in the woods while hunting, the deer will never see past the disguise and not sense danger and you might get an easy Buck head for your man cave.
Con: Again, NO EYE HOLES! Since you cannot see where to shoot, the animals have a distinct advantage. You are more apt to end up on their dinner table.
An Extra Pro: You’ll never see the attack coming.
So, there you have my analysis of the Face Blanket. Feel free to check it out on You Tube. It’s a bargain at $9.99