May 2, 2016

l) “The Art of the Deal” is the first item on his Amazon wish list.

2) He’s changed his password to “BigHands”

3) The bumper sticker on his car says WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR HONOR STUDENT? I LOVE THE UNEDUCATED.

4) He wants to build a HUGE wall in the backyard and make the neighbors pay for it.

5) Your dog is about to give birth and he wants to name the new puppies Mutt Romney, Carl Rover, Sarah Pawlin and William F. Barkley.

6) There’s a bottle of orange hair dye hidden in his sock drawer.

7) When you cut yourself in the kitchen, he announces that “blood is coming out of your whatever.”

8) Instead of quoting Shakespeare or the Bible, he quotes Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.

9) He’s started singing “Don‘t Stop Thinking About Benghazi“ in the shower.

10) During sex he wants you to talk about his big hands.

11) Melania Trump and Sarah Palin are on the MILF list hidden in his wallet.

12) Instead of saying “No, thanks” when you offer him more coffee or another serving of pie, he yells “You’re fired!

13) For your last birthday, he gave you a Hillary Clinton dartboard.

14) When your daughter brings her friends home from elementary school, he demands to see documentation that they’re in this country legally.

15) In the throes of passion, instead of calling out your name, he shouts “Make America Great Again!”

This piece was written by Roz Warren and Janet Golden. Roz is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A Collection of Library Humor. Janet Golden likes writing humor when she isn’t writing history.

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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  1. May 5, 2016 at 2:16 pm

    Terrific! I have a lust on 50 Ways to Lose Your Husband, so maybe I should see if I can get it printed. YOu insoire me!

  2. hillsmom
    May 3, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Unfortunately I know that my DH is voting/voted rethuglican. What do you think would be the better response…divorce or murder? Thank you for any advice.

  3. Kelly
    May 3, 2016 at 1:15 pm


  4. May 2, 2016 at 7:53 pm

    So funny, Roz!

  5. May 2, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    Great list. Add Peggy Noonan and Margaret Hoover to No. 11. Perfect!

    • May 2, 2016 at 9:29 pm

      Excellent suggestions.

  6. May 2, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    When we were first married (over 40 years ago) my husband was Republican and I wasn’t. Thankfully, after Reagan, he changed. If he had “The Art of the Deal” on his list it would be to figure out how to defeat that man by studying his weaknesses. On a serious note: Perhaps we all should read it.

  7. May 2, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    Hilarious! I think if my husband voted Republican I would have to divorce him!

  8. May 2, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Roz, I love this. In today’s political climate, I cry more than I laugh–so I really needed this.

    Thanks, so much. Beth

    PS John is voting for Hillary. We often remark we are still married because are politics are simpatico. Beth

  9. May 2, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Go Roz! So I take it you’ll be voting Trump?

  10. May 2, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    This lefty liberal Democrat married to a Republican found this hilarious!!!

  11. May 2, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    Thank Gawd my hubs is exhibiting none of these signs. But thanks for the heads-up!

  12. May 2, 2016 at 12:24 pm


  13. May 2, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    This is great!

  14. Mister Wonderful
    May 2, 2016 at 10:50 am

    This is wonderful!

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