April 1, 2016


I’m trying just to focus on the games and ignore the Presidential Campaign, but politics is invading every facet of our lives, even the sacred Final Four. Rumor has it that Hillary Clinton has leaked all of the candidates’ feelings about the Final Four through her private server. Not surprisingly, Ted Cruz has picked North Carolina. Ted is against the government getting involved in people’s business, except, as with North Carolina, when it comes to telling people which bathroom they should use. Bernie Sanders has the radical position that the NCAA is rigged in favor of the largest and richest schools. He refuses to choose a winner, but dreams of a revolution in which the financial winner and eventual champion is a school like Herbert’s Wide Shoes and Horticultural College. Hillary is picking Pennsylvania’s Villanova, New York’s Syracuse, and Oklahoma, since she claims to be a resident of all three states. Trump is boycotting the Final Four, claiming that the NCAA has always treated him horribly by never inviting Trump University to the tournament. As for the women’s tournament, Trump doesn’t approve of women playing intercollegiate sports, but says he will watch the Women’s Final Four, because “those girls look really cute in their little uniforms.” A capacity crowd is expected for the Final Four, and John Kasich says that out of the 70,000 people who will be there, he’ll be the only grownup in the room.

Lloyd Garver

I was fortunate to be involved in one of the Golden Ages of Television comedy. I wrote and produced television shows ranging from "Sesame Street" to "The Bob Newhart Show" to "Family Ties" to Home improvement" to "Frasier." (I've also read many books, some of them in hardcover). I grew up in Chicago, went to college at the University of California at Berkeley, and got my Masters at Northwestern. Then I followed my dream to become a serious writer… by driving to Hollywood and getting a job writing questions and "ad lib" jokes for the game show, "Hollywood Squares."I wrote spec scripts in my spare time while I was toiling away at "Hollywood Squares," and after a few years sold my first to a show called, "Love, American Style." After that, I was lucky enough to continue to write for many comedies for the next 30 years or so. However, I always had an interest in writing essays and columns. An early "My Turn" column for "Newsweek" about the evils of Nintendo resulted in my being a guest on "Oprah." I assume that she will support me if I ever run for President.I have been a weekly humor and opinion columnist since 2001. I have written columns for "The Kansas City Kansan," "The Denver Post," "The Santa Monica Daily Press," "The San Francisco Examiner," Crawford Texas' "The Lone Star Iconoclast," and the "The Jewish Journal." My column has also run on line on CBSnews.com and I wrote a sports column for SportsLine.com. It has also been syndicated to hundreds of papers and sites. I was also recently honored by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for a column I wrote about the NCAA final four tournament. In this age of suspicion, I feel compelled to give you a guarantee about me. I swear that I have never written a column or a script while on steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs. All right, once I took a swig of some Human Growth Hormone, but it gave me gas.

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  1. Bill Spencer
    April 2, 2016 at 6:52 am

    This piece is very clever.

    (I LIVE in North Carolina—where you need a photo ID to vote and a birth certificate to pee.)

  2. April 1, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    What would we do without NC giving us bathroom direction Lloyd?

  3. April 1, 2016 at 9:51 am

    The Final Four was giving me such joy, until I realized some people thought it was Hillary, Donald, Ted and Bernie…I’m honored to be in your esteemed company,Lloyd. And don’t worry about the hormone thing, we gals have been successfully dealing with that for centuries. You’ll be fine in a decade or two!

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