The Break Up | HumorOutcasts

The Break Up

June 26, 2016
By

 I knew it was time. It had to end. I had to face it, and I had to act.

Carrie was an attractive 37 year old woman I’d met several years ago in a writing class.  I worked up the courage to call her and asked her to meet me in that favorite corner cafe we both loved so much.

“Perry, lunch was such a nice surprise,” said Carrie.  “Is there something on your mind?”

“Dearest Carrie,” I began nervously, “I need to tell you something.”

“Yes, Perry?” Carrie asked sympathetically.

“For quite some time now, I’ve … umm, err …  been having fantasies in which you and me have sex.  Wild passionate uninhibited sex!”

“Gosh, Perry,” Carrie fumbled,  a bit embarrassed, “I’m … I’m kind of flattered, I guess. But you don’t have to tell me this.”

“Yes, I do, Carrie,” I said.  Because the thing is …  I’m breaking up with your fantasy!” 

“I … I  beg your pardon?”

“I’m breaking up with your fantasy.  Thinking about sex with you just doesn’t do it for me anymore.”

“What?  Why?”

“Well, frankly, you’re starting to look a little older to me.  I’m seeing wrinkles, you’re not as fresh faced as you used to be, and honestly, Carrie, you could afford to drop a few pounds.”

“Wait a minute! Are you trying to tell me that …”

“That’s right:  It’s not me, it’s you.”

“But why not have me doing something new to you? I could give you one hell of a fantasy …” 

“It’s no use, you’ve done that!  You and me have done just about anything and everything, and still you’re not doing it for me down below!”

“I can’t believe it!  You  can’t mean it!”

“Carrie, I’m sorry but I have to break up with your fantasy.”

“Well, I’m not accepting this fantasy breakup!  You call me here and tell me you’re not going to fantasize screwing me anymore and I’m supposed to take it?!!  No way, mister!!!” 

“But, Carrie, be reasonable …”

“Are you fantasizing about someone else?  Who is she, the bitch!  Are you thinking about banging her right now?!!”

“That doesn’t matter, Carrie, the thing is …”

“How could you, you two-timing bastard?! Your fantasy breakup has ruined my life!!!”

For days after, Carrie was furious and wouldn’t speak to me.  Then one day she showed up at my doorstep.

“Perry, there’s only one answer,” she said. “We need to have actual sex.”

And we did.  And it was wonderful!

The only thing is, this last part didn’t happen; it’s my new Carrie fantasy.  And it works great!

Breaking up is hard to do.

And fortunately for me and Fantasy Carrie, we didn’t have to.

Perry Block

I am one bummed-out Baby Boomer desperately attempting to turn back the clock through parody, satire, and anything else you want. In my time I have been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, and a king. I would have also been a pawn but I didn’t have the SATs for it, and my career as a poet was cut short when I recited “The Man from Nantucket” at a White House Dinner. I look forward to developing a relationship with the readers of Humor Outcasts, unhealthy as it probably will be.

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2 Responses to The Break Up

  1. Bill Spencer
    June 26, 2016 at 5:11 am

    Fantastic.

    • June 26, 2016 at 4:11 pm

      Thanks, Bill. You know, Fantasy Carrie is available right now!



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