Walmart, Marriage Proposal and Sex Toys: the Trifecta of Love | HumorOutcasts

Walmart, Marriage Proposal and Sex Toys: the Trifecta of Love

January 15, 2016
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For those who think romance is dead, think again. This is such a sweet story, and I guarantee your eyes will well up with tears. Ready? Here we go.

A 25-year-old Michigan man wanted to create the perfect proposal. Did he ask his girlfriend to marry him via Jumbotron at any of the sports stadiums in the area? NO. Did he book a horse and carriage and take his intended for a romantic ride around the park? NO. Did he treat his beloved to a dinner at a romantic bistro and drop the ring in a glass of champagne? NO.

What he did do was write a note pledging his love to her

and gave said note to the customer service person at the local Walmart. The proposal was read over the walmartringP.A. system (somewhere between the clean up on aisle 4 and irate customer needs assistance in electronics announcements). So taken aback by his romantic gesture, the girlfriend began to weep as her now fiancée slipped the $29 engagement ring he bought at the store onto her finger. Customers applauded and all was right with the world…or so you would think.

This is where the storybook engagement veers off Romantic Road and heads up the ramp to Felony Freeway. Not satisfied with the level of love this proposal generated, the lovebirds scurried to a nearby mall to celebrate their impending nuptials, and there they shoplifted sex toys from a novelty shop. Yep, sex toys. Nothing says holy matrimony like an edible thong, edible panties and sex candy (police report). I’m sure I’ve seen these used in some Nu-Bay videos.

These two apparently were hungry from the excitement because the dynamic duo was traced to the food court of the mall where they rested after their edible toy heist. The police found the groom-to-be sleeping on a bench. According to police, he bent down to tie his shoelaces and passed out. I know, hard to fathom that this guy wasn’t snatched up by some other woman before this, but ‘tis true. And as a testament for her love, the bride-to-be sold out her fiancé and blamed the entire sex toy theft on him. Ah, I see this marriage will be one for the ages.

So, not wanting to waste a chance to impart a lesson from other people’s failures, let’s see what we can glean from the misadventures of this modern day Romeo and Juliet.

  • While Walmart is the most romantic place on Earth, it’s important to remember they don’t carry sex toys. Guns they have; sex toys they don’t.
  • Always propose on a full stomach

and lastly

  • If you are going to propose in a retail environment, Costco is the way to go. They not only have great rings, but if you propose at lunchtime, you can enjoy an eight-course celebratory feast on their sample tastings.

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Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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14 Responses to Walmart, Marriage Proposal and Sex Toys: the Trifecta of Love

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    January 17, 2016 at 10:50 am

    What were their names? I haven’t seen Thirsty Dave and Scurvy Jane for a while.

    • January 17, 2016 at 6:40 pm

      Did they hop over the pond and land in Michigan Bill Y? If not, it’s not them. Phew!

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    January 15, 2016 at 2:54 pm

    Nothin’ say lovin’ like a matrimonial mugshot courtesy of the local Police Department!

    • January 16, 2016 at 8:01 am

      a photo for the generations!

  3. January 15, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    I’ve been binge watching “The Affair”. Very sexy, but they could have set it in Walmart rather than the beach….ever so much sexier. And that whole reception in the food court, is food for thought. Think my daughter would go for that?

    • January 16, 2016 at 8:02 am

      Yes, nothing is as sexy as Walmart Lingerie! Those housecoats really rock?

  4. January 15, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Great tale. I might need to try this for one of those vow renewals things. Definitely at Costco.

    • January 16, 2016 at 8:02 am

      If you are going to renew those vows, I recommend the Elvis Chapel in Vegas. Ed and I had a roaring time doing that!

  5. January 15, 2016 at 11:52 am

    Hilarious! I get all their behaviour except the food court visit. I find two edible panty wraps, with all that fiber, keeps me full for the day.

    • January 15, 2016 at 12:11 pm

      You would think that fiber fill would do it, but love makes them ravenous?

  6. January 15, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Any story that begins in Wal-Mart is going to be good!

    • January 15, 2016 at 12:12 pm

      I have to wonder if their poor social media department comb the internet each day and go, “Crap, we have to upgrade our clientele!”

  7. Bill Spencer
    January 15, 2016 at 10:48 am

    They don’t need a minister. They’re just going before a judge.

    • January 15, 2016 at 12:12 pm

      Oh, so true Bill! He can arraign them and marry them in one swift ceremony!



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