Walmart, Marriage Proposal and Sex Toys: the Trifecta of Love

For those who think romance is dead, think again. This is such a sweet story, and I guarantee your eyes will well up with tears. Ready? Here we go.

By: Mike Mozart

A 25-year-old Michigan man wanted to create the perfect proposal. Did he ask his girlfriend to marry him via Jumbotron at any of the sports stadiums in the area? NO. Did he book a horse and carriage and take his intended for a romantic ride around the park? NO. Did he treat his beloved to a dinner at a romantic bistro and drop the ring in a glass of champagne? NO.

What he did do was write a note pledging his love to her

and gave said note to the customer service person at the local Walmart. The proposal was read over the walmartringP.A. system (somewhere between the clean up on aisle 4 and irate customer needs assistance in electronics announcements). So taken aback by his romantic gesture, the girlfriend began to weep as her now fiancée slipped the $29 engagement ring he bought at the store onto her finger. Customers applauded and all was right with the world…or so you would think.

This is where the storybook engagement veers off Romantic Road and heads up the ramp to Felony Freeway. Not satisfied with the level of love this proposal generated, the lovebirds scurried to a nearby mall to celebrate their impending nuptials, and there they shoplifted sex toys from a novelty shop. Yep, sex toys. Nothing says holy matrimony like an edible thong, edible panties and sex candy (police report). I’m sure I’ve seen these used in some Nu-Bay videos.

These two apparently were hungry from the excitement because the dynamic duo was traced to the food court of the mall where they rested after their edible toy heist. The police found the groom-to-be sleeping on a bench. According to police, he bent down to tie his shoelaces and passed out. I know, hard to fathom that this guy wasn’t snatched up by some other woman before this, but ‘tis true. And as a testament for her love, the bride-to-be sold out her fiancé and blamed the entire sex toy theft on him. Ah, I see this marriage will be one for the ages.

By: Dean Hochman

So, not wanting to waste a chance to impart a lesson from other people’s failures, let’s see what we can glean from the misadventures of this modern day Romeo and Juliet.

  • While Walmart is the most romantic place on Earth, it’s important to remember they don’t carry sex toys. Guns they have; sex toys they don’t.
  • Always propose on a full stomach

and lastly

  • If you are going to propose in a retail environment, Costco is the way to go. They not only have great rings, but if you propose at lunchtime, you can enjoy an eight-course celebratory feast on their sample tastings.

For more of my humor go HERE



Share this Post:

14 thoughts on “Walmart, Marriage Proposal and Sex Toys: the Trifecta of Love”

  1. Nothin’ say lovin’ like a matrimonial mugshot courtesy of the local Police Department!

  2. I’ve been binge watching “The Affair”. Very sexy, but they could have set it in Walmart rather than the beach….ever so much sexier. And that whole reception in the food court, is food for thought. Think my daughter would go for that?

  3. Hilarious! I get all their behaviour except the food court visit. I find two edible panty wraps, with all that fiber, keeps me full for the day.

Comments are closed.