More Adventures in Knitting | HumorOutcasts

More Adventures in Knitting

July 31, 2017

“But, imbued from her childhood with a brooding sense of wrong, and an inveterate hatred of a class, opportunity had developed her into a tigress. She was absolutely without pity. If she had ever had the virtue in her, it had quite gone out of her.” Charles Dickens, “A Tale of Two Cities.”

The above quote is a description of the most famous knitting woman in the world: Madame Defarge. Fortunately for humanity, she is a fictional character, because she isn’t anyone you would want to invite to Sunday dinner, especially if you are wealthy or you have a title of nobility. She would bring her knitting to the table with her, and she wouldn’t be knitting a baby hat. She would knit your name onto her woolen hit list faster than you could pronounce it.

I don’t claim to be Madame Defarge. I don’t have a clue how to knit names into one of my projects, and learning how to do that would be both difficult and useless. Difficulty takes the fun out of a knitting project. I really have to be in the mood to take on a challenge.

Oh yes. I don’t have a hit list, either. I am about as dangerous as a marshmallow in hot chocolate. I want everyone to love me. People won’t love you if you are out to kill them.

Now that I have all that out of the way, let’s get to the subject of MY knitting projects and leave Madame Defarge in Dickens’ novel, where she can’t hurt anyone.

I have learned something in the last few months. If you mess up a knitting project, you can always unravel it and either start over or make something else – that is, unless you have somehow gotten the yarn so knotted up that it won’t unravel. In that case, you just take what you have already made, call it a coffee mug coaster, and give it to someone you don’t like at the office Secret Santa exchange. The look on the person’s face will be the only reward you will need.

Because I no longer work in an office, I have no idea who I am going to give THIS to:

I recently volunteered to make a pink “pussy hat” for a friend who can’t stand Donald Trump as much as I can’t stand him. Aside from one little hole in a very visible spot, the hat turned out fine. I patched up the hole with some yarn, and it is now barely noticeable. My friend will be happy with the hat, if she doesn’t examine it too closely.

To get myself out of the house and meet more people, I have joined the Knitting Circle at my local senior center. The Knitting Circle meets every Thursday morning from 10:00 AM to noon. It’s like a big quilting party. We sit around a table, knit our various projects and talk about everything from grandchildren to how Donald Trump is ruining America. Much of the time we aren’t talking because we are concentrating on our knitting. All it takes is one moment of inattention and OOPS! You have another useless Secret Santa gift.

I am using the “pussy hat” pattern to make a regular, non-political hat. It will be shaped like a “pussy hat” but it will be blue and white. I might even put tassels on it. So far, it is shaping up fine. Well, I had to re-do several stitches this morning because I purled instead of knitted, but that’s okay. I caught the flub on time, and what I don’t tell anyone they won’t know.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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5 Responses to More Adventures in Knitting

  1. Bill Y "The Legend" Ledden
    August 6, 2017 at 5:11 am

    Has anyone ever knitted Jon Bon Jovi’s lips together in an attempt to shut him up? Asking for humanity.

  2. Bill Spencer
    August 1, 2017 at 7:27 am

    Thank you, Kathy, for these purls of wisdom.

    • August 1, 2017 at 5:44 pm

      Purls of wisdom are very expensive because they come only from dyslexic oysters.

  3. July 31, 2017 at 8:24 pm

    I had to knit a coin purse in 2nd grade in Australia. Then I retired. 🙂

    • July 31, 2017 at 8:43 pm

      Believe it or not, knitting has been around since ancient times, and the first knitters were probably men. I don’t know how archaeologists and historians figured this out, since none of them were around in ancient times, but some of them seem to think that.

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