The Man – Trumpian Candidate | HumorOutcasts

The Man – Trumpian Candidate

July 17, 2017

If you’ve been having deja vue lately, it’s probably about the movie The Manchurian Candidate.

Starring Frank Sinatra and Laurence Harvey, The Manchurian Candidate depicts the Russians planting a clueless operative in the United States to destroy democracy. Just like in real life, starring Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, except in reality the Russians have planted an idiotically clueless operative in the United States to destroy democracy.

All that’s missing is Angela Lansbury.

Until now.

“You can’t deny me entrance to the Oval Office! I’m Mrs. Johnny Iselin, Raymond’s, I mean Donald’s mother.”

“But, Mrs. Iselin, President Trump is very busy …”

“Nonsense, you idiot! He’s probably busy salivating over that tart Brooke Baldwin on fake news channel CNN!”

“Why, Mother! What a pleasant surprise!”

“Why, this is a pleasant surprise, Raymond, I mean, Donald! I thought you were masturbating to fake news, but you’re with your Vladimir Putin blow-up doll. Good!”

“Mother, why must you always put me down?”

“Because you’re a stupid, ignorant, boorish, disgusting, narcissistic clown! In a good way. And perfect for manipulation by our Russian handlers.”

“Chelsea Handler?”

“Did I mention stupid?”

“Why are you here, Mother?”

“Because it’s time to play a little cards, Raymond, I mean Donald.”


“Because you’ve developed a fantasy I must eradicate before it destroys our plans to destroy America.”

“Okay. Solitaire, mother?”

“Heavens no, Donald, you’re way too dumb to understand the rules to Solitaire. We’re playing Old Maid.”

“Okay, deal! Shit, I got the Old Maid again! And she’s so ugly she makes comedy writer Bruce Vilanch look like Scarlett Johansson!”

“Now listen to me, Donald: you will forget this recent fantasy of yours and concentrate on turning America into the Borscht Capital of the World!”

“Whatever you want, Mother. I’ll do your bidding … on The New Price is Right! Goodbye, Mother.”

“Hey, kid! Hey, 71 year old, kid! I saw your mother just leaving. I need to talk to you now.”

“Why, it’s Frank Sinatra, playing Captain Bennett Marco! Doo Be Doo Be Doo, Frank!

“Oh, man! Did somebody mention stupid?”

“What do you want to talk about, Frank? I hope it doesn’t require reading.”

“Let’s play a little cards, kid.”

“Again with the cards! Alright, as long as I don’t have to learn the rules to Solitaire.”

“Let’s see what we can do, kid!”

“Look at the cards, Raymond … I mean, Donald: 52 ugly old maids. They each make comedy writer Bruce Vilanch look like Scarlett Johansson. And each one of these old maids is telling you: ‘you grab my pussy, you’ll get a knitting needle up your ass!’”

They’re also telling you It’s Over!  The links are smashed. Which is a shame because I felt like playing golf tomorrow!”

“Why, Frank, I see it all clearly now! I will resign tomorrow!”

“Good, kid, good!”


“I’ll say it one last time: Did somebody mention stupid?”

“And I will turn the White House to Crooked Hillary, who’ll have half a dozen scandals of her own before I’ve even packed up all my pictures of me. After cleaning off all the kiss marks and semen stains of course.”

“Okay, kid, just great! Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go suck up to future president Ronald Reagan.”

“But, Frank, there’s one condition to all this. Recently I’ve had a fantasy that well, you can help with.”

“Anything, kid!”

“I wanna hang with the Rat Pack.”



Perry Block

I am one bummed-out Baby Boomer desperately attempting to turn back the clock through parody, satire, and anything else you want. In my time I have been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, and a king. I would have also been a pawn but I didn’t have the SATs for it, and my career as a poet was cut short when I recited “The Man from Nantucket” at a White House Dinner. I look forward to developing a relationship with the readers of Humor Outcasts, unhealthy as it probably will be.

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4 Responses to The Man – Trumpian Candidate

  1. July 18, 2017 at 1:54 am

    She keeps trying to get him to do that but her operative is so dumb he keeps looking for her “poetical enemas.”

    • July 19, 2017 at 12:41 am

      BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, at least the political opponents are safe for now!

      • July 19, 2017 at 6:26 am

        Yes, but the way it’s going should Joe Biden ever get constipated there’ll be no way to treat him. The Russians will have won!

  2. July 17, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    When does Mom get him to go into a trance and kill her political enemies?

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