1. Thou shalt not arrive late. If thou dost arrive late, thou shalt endure the punishment of having to look for a seat in the dark.
2. If thou committest the sin of arriving late, thou shalt not make noise or accidentally hit someone just because the b***h occupying the coveted place in the pew on the aisle makes you climb over her.
3. Thou shalt remain in the church for the entire 2-hour Mass. There are no exceptions, even if you have a ham in the oven or your back is sore from the wooden pew. The priests are watching you.
4. Priests who sing the chants shall not sing out of tune.
5. If thou art the pastor of the parish, thou shalt make it a rule that only someone who can sing and stay in the same key will get to do that beautiful “Exultet” chant.
6. The priest who delivers the homily shall make it both short and entertaining.
7. Thou shalt not drip candle wax on thy neighbor’s coat. (This happened to me once. I was not happy.)
8. Thou shalt not set thy neighbor’s hair on fire. (This happened a couple of years ago in our church. There was no damage, except for a few strands of hair, praise God. We now use candles enclosed in safe candle holders.)
9. Thou shalt get a sitter for your baby who cries every time you bring him to church.
10. Thou shalt enjoy this Mass, the most beautiful one of the entire year.