Commandments for the Easter Vigil Mass | HumorOutcasts

Commandments for the Easter Vigil Mass

March 31, 2018

THEY get chairs to sit on!

1. Thou shalt not arrive late. If thou dost arrive late, thou shalt endure the punishment of having to look for a seat in the dark.

2. If thou committest the sin of arriving late, thou shalt not make noise or accidentally hit someone just because the b***h occupying the coveted place in the pew on the aisle makes you climb over her.

3. Thou shalt remain in the church for the entire 2-hour Mass. There are no exceptions, even if you have a ham in the oven or your back is sore from the wooden pew. The priests are watching you.

4. Priests who sing the chants shall not sing out of tune.

5. If thou art the pastor of the parish, thou shalt make it a rule that only someone who can sing and stay in the same key will get to do that beautiful “Exultet” chant.

6. The priest who delivers the homily shall make it both short and entertaining.

7. Thou shalt not drip candle wax on thy neighbor’s coat. (This happened to me once. I was not happy.)

8. Thou shalt not set thy neighbor’s hair on fire. (This happened a couple of years ago in our church. There was no damage, except for a few strands of hair, praise God. We now use candles enclosed in safe candle holders.)

9. Thou shalt get a sitter for your baby who cries every time you bring him to church.

10. Thou shalt enjoy this Mass, the most beautiful one of the entire year.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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8 Responses to Commandments for the Easter Vigil Mass

  1. April 2, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    I know you love it, Kathy, but I get up at 6AM to go on Easter Sunday just so I don’t have to endure the torture of Easter Vigil Mass. And I hate getting up early. So…I’ll leave it to you and the candle people who are lighting their neighbors on fire!

    • April 4, 2018 at 7:12 pm

      LOL! Actually, I have no choice. I am a paid soloist in my church (Leader of Song), and, as such, I have to attend the Easter Vigil Mass and two Masses for Easter Sunday. I am also expected to attend the Holy Thursday Mass and the Good Friday service. My singing services are wanted for all of these! The extra pay comes in very handy every year, too.

      I still love the Easter Vigil Mass. It would be my natural choice if I were not hired as a professional singer. I would attend the Easter Vigil Mass, then sleep late! 😀

  2. April 2, 2018 at 7:13 am

    Easter Vigil – the ultimate hazing ceremony.

    • April 2, 2018 at 9:33 am

      Oh, but I love it! It’s a lot of work and it involves some nerves, but it’s such a beautiful ceremony. I do cringe, though, when I hear someone who can’t sing murdering the beautiful “Exultet” at the beginning of the Mass. For a couple of years, our pastor had me sing it because he KNOWS he can’t sing and he didn’t have another priest or a deacon who could sing it. I loved the chance to do it. This year, though, they were able to get a deacon with a pretty good singing voice to do it, so I was sidelined again! It’s just as well. Less work and fewer nerves!!

  3. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    April 1, 2018 at 3:07 pm


  4. April 1, 2018 at 4:09 am

    Rules to live by!

    • April 1, 2018 at 8:57 pm

      Well, rules to live by in church, anyway! 😉

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