I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines From Dating Profiles | HumorOutcasts

I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines From Dating Profiles

December 15, 2018
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After becoming single at age 62, I joined an online dating site.  After a year of perusing profiles and meeting men for coffee, staying single is starting to look better and better to me.  But I’ve stayed on the site, in part for the pure enjoyment of reading what men choose to say about themselves when trying  to attract a partner. For instance? 

 

Here are a few of my favorite lines from men’s online dating profiles: 

 

I am romantic, passionate and caring, with just the right amount of masculinity. 

 

I like to take hikes and catch frogs. 

 

I have very little experience with sex. Bondage is okay. 

 

I have achieved my life-long dream of seeing the total solar eclipse in Wyoming. 

 

It’s all about the endorphins. 

 

I have wealth and a doctoral degree and I want to find my new soulmate. 

 

I am not like all the rest. 

 

At 20, my great-grandfather plotted to kill the Czar.

 

I am mindful that random chance animates the universe. 

 

I have a deep affection for fresh ground coffee. 

 

I want butterflies!

 

I am always open to trying something new. Except skydiving. And playing with snakes.

 

I am a very handsome and well-built male. 

 

I was a pirate in my previous life and once a year, or more, I become special.

 

The woman I am looking for likes her gender. 

 

I’d love to have a pet elephant.

 

I can wiggle my ears. 

 

I am outgoing and spontaneous and possess ample amounts of wit and charm. 

 

I’m not into Facebook or any other types of whatever that is. 

 

The only fear I have is of butterflies. Those little things scare the heck out of me. Go figure. 

 

I’ve always believed that women make life SO much nicer — and I want one. 

 

Time’s a wastin’ so let’s saddle up and trot down the path to something special…

 

I’m not about to admire your wiggling ears or trot down the path with you. But thanks for making me smile – even if you didn’t mean to – and I wish you all the best in your quest to find someone who will.

 

(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR.)

 

 

 

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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5 Responses to I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines From Dating Profiles

  1. Mark Frankel
    December 16, 2018 at 9:00 pm

    Seems to me that you could have at least introduced the guy who wants butterflies to the guy who was scared of them. Maybe they could become friends, or at least help each other out.

  2. December 16, 2018 at 9:41 am

    The only one I reached out to was the guy whose great grandpa plotted to kill the Czar. He never got back to me.

  3. Jim Nolan
    December 16, 2018 at 7:22 am

    Such a great piece, Roz, hilarious as always!

  4. December 15, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    I might be really weird, but some of those made me want to know the guy better!

    • December 16, 2018 at 1:51 am

      I was actually thinking the same thing: but not TOO much better.



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