Ready For Adventure? Me Neither | HumorOutcasts

Ready For Adventure? Me Neither

April 10, 2018
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While looking at Match.com profiles recently, I was struck by how many men not only describe themselves as “adventurous” but are seeking women who are also adventurous.

I’m not adventurous. Not even a little. I’m a 63-year-old librarian. What I am is bookish.

I don’t want to date Indiana Jones! The last thing I need is a man who loves to sky dive and bungee jump and travel to far-flung  locations.

I just want someone I can read in bed with.

So why are so many men my age seeking adventurous women? After all, these are men in their 60s. How much actual adventure could any of them realistically handle?

It depends, in part, on how you define adventure.

It‘s a word with a wide range of potential meanings. It could mean anything from being eager to try that new Indonesian restaurant to being eager to try paragliding over North Korea.

At my age, getting down the block on an icy day without falling could be considered an adventure.

When I asked my Facebook friends about it, they were as puzzled (and sarcastic) as I was.

“Does trying a new brand of potato chips count as adventurous? If so, I’m in.”

“I’m guessing that for a lot of guys, ‘adventurous’ just means going to a different bar on Fridays.”

“Or drinking a whole bottle of Bourbon instead of just a few shots!” 

“Maybe it means he’s living out of his car?”

“So Roz, does this mean that if your hobbies included hang gliding, playing Russian roulette and sampling wild mushrooms you’d get more dates?” 

At which, a friend with more online dating experience than me clued me in.

“In online dating site lingo,” she explained, “adventurous means you’re up for participating in the kind of sex — or watching the kind of porn — he’s into. It doesn’t mean that he likes doing new things — just that he likes doing new sex things.”

Was that really true? If “adventurous” means that a guy wants to take me on a luxury trip around the world?  I’m open to that.But if all it means is that he wants me to enjoy a special kind of porn with him?

I’m not sure that’s an adventure I want to go on.

I decided to consult my good pal Senior Sex Expert Joan Price (Yes, there really is such a gig.) “What does it mean,” I asked, “when a man says that he wants a woman who is ‘adventurous?”

She laughed. “It probably means ‘I expect you to pole dance for me and then have noisy first-date sex on the front lawn of my ex-girlfriend’s house.’”

“Almost everything straight men write on dating sites is — euphemistically — about sex,” concluded my friend Anne.  “Any statement a guy makes on a dating site should be read the same way we used to read fortune cookies in college — always add ‘in bed’ to the end of each sentence!”

“I’m looking for a woman who is adventurous — in bed.”

“I want a soul mate who will share in life’s pleasures — in bed.”

“I’m looking forward to getting to know you better — in bed.”

When it comes right down to it, as a mind-mannered librarian, I’m happy to enjoy adventures — as long as they’re in books. For instance, I really enjoy reading Robert Parker’s mysteries. They’re full of murder and gunplay and suspense. I love that stuff!

As long as I’m experiencing it vicariously via the printed page while sitting safely at home sipping tea.

Maybe in my online dating profile I ought to start referring to myself as “biblio-adventurous.”

I can say that I’m looking for a biblio-adventurous guy. A man who’d like nothing better than quietly sitting at home with me reading about adventure every night.

Now that’s sexy.

In the meantime, if you’re a man in his 60s whose romantic ideal is a free-wheeling risk-taking AARP-aged librarian who’ll be happy to join you in your seamy erotic escapades?

Good luck with that. Finding her should be quite an adventure.

I’ll be in bed reading.

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library , both of which makes great gifts for librarians and other book lovers)

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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4 Responses to Ready For Adventure? Me Neither

  1. April 13, 2018 at 9:16 pm

    I love it – bibliography-adventurous! My kind of adventure too.

  2. April 11, 2018 at 10:35 pm

    Very very funny. Am married to a librarian and I get this. You need a guy who wears sweater vests as a statement!

  3. Bill Spencer
    April 11, 2018 at 7:44 am

    When in bed,
    Read instead.

  4. Richard Locke
    April 10, 2018 at 7:46 pm

    Your “expert” is totally correct on the subject of being “adventurous” in the context of a personal ad. In fact, guys of a ” certain” age are more likely to be intimidated than enthralled at the prospect of actually trying to keep up with a Xena Warrior Princess than not…(with the exception of a few idiots who actually “think” they can handle a Xena). Additionally,The librarian book worm ad would probably unleash a deluge of responses…(what male has not secretly lusted for an “adventure” with a naughty librarian?) Just emphasise that you are slim, have a minimum of inappropriate facial hair,…and will be wearing glasses.



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