It seems that the brains behind MGA Entertainment Isaac Larian has put in a bid of $890 Million to save Toys ‘Я’ Us stores from closing. If the deal goes through, the retail icon will not die, but it will undergo some minor changes to keep the chain relevant to the times we live in:
1. Store mascot, Geoffrey the Giraffe will be replaced by Bibi the Beagle. Why? Research shows that short people were intimidated by the tall mascot all these decades, and the impressive size of Geoffrey kept them from the store. (this might be #fakenews…not sure yet.) Plus let’s face it—dogs rock.
2. The Barbie aisle will now be called “Women of Power” aisle. No longer will Barbie be linked only with Ken. She has options. She is free to date and marry Ken’s friend Todd and Midge as well—either one at a time or all at once. The Barbie aisle is a no-judgment zone. New Barbie figures will be added such as much anticipated “I Can’t Cook, but Ken Will” Barbie.
Don’t be alarmed by the changes. Barbie will still have a great wardrobe, a cool convertible and/or SUV, the luxury townhouse and pointy, high-heeled shoes in all colors. She will also have teeny-tiny Dr. Scholl’s inserts to assist her in her daily efforts to climb to the top. And there will still be Bride Barbie although she will come with a pre-nup for her partner to sign. Go Barbie!
3. GI Joe action figures will still own shelf space but he will share it with GI Jane and GI Joe/Jane because everyone should be honored to accept anyone who wants to serve our country. By the way, only the army action figures will own military guns. Just a new rule—live with it.
4. Board games will make a great comeback. The game of LIFE will remain but a new sibling game will be added—LIFE SUCKS for those on the other end of anti-depressant. Also coming back: Twister, which will include a slip-and-fall legal form provided by Attorney Barbie who will set up an office at the end of the aisle to assist klutzy contestants. Of course, Monopoly is expected to retain its popularity thanks to HGTV and all the Flipping House shows. Toys ‘R’ Us hopes Monopoly will give our youth the bug to invest in real estate plus it’s good for everyone to learn their best option to get out of jail free. (keep this under your hat as this free advice ticks off Attorney Barbie.)
I hope this sale goes through. I would hate to see these stores disappear.