What Could Happen If … | HumorOutcasts

What Could Happen If …

November 21, 2018
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The Harry Potter Universe is a wide one. Although Harry has now vanquished Lord Voldemort and his evil followers (with the help of a lot of extraordinary people who are fluent in magic), the story won’t end. Through movies and plays, we are now getting stories of Harry Potter’s son and the magical world on the other side of the Atlantic from Hogwarts, the Whomping Willow, Hogsmeade Village and Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.

Thank you, J.K. Rowling, for all the fun.

All of this brings up one question in my mind: what would happen if the Wizarding World had a referendum and they voted to end all secrecy and merge with the muggle world. What if they were tired of having to impose memory erasing spells on every poor muggle who had the misfortune of witnessing some magical escapade that misfired? What if they were tired of never being able to tell their muggle neighbors that they had superpowers? What’s the use of having superpowers if you can’t talk about them, right?

I can’t help feeling that, should this merger be brought about, we would see an explosion of exchanges such as these:

Memo from a boss to an employee:

To: Alianora Robins

We all appreciate how fast you can get your work done with all the spells you know, but please refrain from performing magic in the office. The potions that you bring in stink so much that your cubicle neighbors, who don’t even belong to a union, are threatening to go on strike. Also, you put some potion in the fridge and George, who steals everyone’s food, took a swallow of it before gagging over the taste. He grew hair between his fingers! Not only that, you got some kind of powder in Britney Johnson’s hair which landed on her clothes when she tried to comb it out. She came down with a terrible itch and spent most of the day scratching herself. That is not conducive to employee productivity.

Verbal tirade from a muggle neighbor:

I want you to tell your daughter to turn my son back the way he was! I don’t care if she doesn’t want to go out with him! I don’t care if she thinks he’s a nerd! I want her to turn him back! I DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO A CHIHUAHUA!

Message sent by owl from an old wizard to the telephone company:

My name is Argus Jones. I keep getting mail from you saying I should buy some gadget called a phone if I want to “connect” with people. First of all, what is a phone? I never used one. I have always sent messages via owl. If I didn’t have an owl, I’d use a carrier pigeon. If I wanted to see someone right away, I’d toss some flue powder or apparate or something. Is there any reason why I should change now, at my age? If not, please stop sending me advertisements. It’s very annoying. Thank you.

Message left on the door of a muggle neighbor by a witch:

Dear Mrs. Smith, Thank you for the “welcome to the neighborhood” cake you gave us. It was delicious, and I would love to have your recipe if you are willing to part with it. I think we are going to be good friends.

Just one little thing. Your son accidentally knocked over some of the roses in our backyard. We are not angry because he didn’t mean to do it. We only ask that he be careful from now on. You see, that rosebush is a Horcrux that my husband’s father built for himself. Because that bush contains part of my father-in-law, we must be extra careful with it.

Thank you for your understanding.

=======================================================

It looks like there are a few things that would have to be ironed out in advance for such a merger to work.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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10 Responses to What Could Happen If …

  1. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    November 25, 2018 at 9:16 am

    Well this cast a spell on me.

    • November 27, 2018 at 5:20 pm

      For $1,000,000 I’ll give you the counter-spell! 😀

  2. November 21, 2018 at 4:40 pm

    I love this writing, Kathy. Even your reply is funny. Please keep writing, so I can keep laughing. Lillian

  3. Jim Nolan
    November 21, 2018 at 8:18 am

    Terrific piece!

    • November 21, 2018 at 12:41 pm

      Thank you! Making people laugh is one of the world’s great pleasures. 😀

  4. Bill Spencer
    November 21, 2018 at 6:38 am

    You just keep Rowling along.

    • November 21, 2018 at 12:40 pm

      So does she, for which I am grateful.

  5. November 21, 2018 at 1:31 am

    Things could get complicated!

    • November 21, 2018 at 2:41 am

      You can say that again! 😀



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