Feed a Printer Starve a Fish?



I think she fed you instead of me!

My adult daughter recently told me that she “pulled a mom.”

“Go ahead,” I said on the phone.  “Tell me what you did.”

She proceeded to explain that she was running a 10k.  Using a coupon, she booked herself a massage post-race.  The day before the race, she received an email confirming her massage appointment for the next afternoon. Although the race was rained out, she decided to go have the massage anyway since she already booked it, but when she showed up at the place, they told her they had no reservation for her.  She showed them the email confirmation only to have them explain that her appointment was at a different brand name place.  She felt like an idiot, missed the actual booked appointment, and was charged for it.

She called this “pulling a mom” because this is something I seem to do with frequency.  I graduated Stupidity 101 with honors.  A recent reference would be last year when I got contacts for the first time in my life.  At first, I thought it would just be easier to throw on my glasses and go about my day, but admittedly, vanity took over.  The doctor told me I only had to change them once a month so I figured that wouldn’t be too bad.  I’d only have to struggle on the first of the month to take out the old ones and put in the new ones.  It was six months later when I went for a follow-up appointment that the doctor mentioned something about when I take them out each night…wait, what?

“I thought you said I just have to change them once a month.”

“Change the lenses once a month, yes,” he said, “but you of course take them out every night before bed.”

Well this was news to me.  I’d been sleeping with them in for thirty straight days at a time.  Stupid I tell ya.  I “pulled a mom,” and I’m the mom!

I have others.  I have many.  Not long ago while at a dentist appointment, the dentist told me he ordered my mouth guard and that it would be in soon.  I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about.  He said he clearly wrote down in my file that we discussed my needing a mouth guard and that he took the impression at my last appointment.  I went home that night telling my husband that our dentist was nuts.

“He said he ordered some mouth guard for me,” I told my husband.  “He even said he took an impression last time I was there.”

“Yes,” replied my husband.  “You told me all about it last month.”

I tell you I have no memory whatsoever of this event taking place.  I “pulled another mom.”

I probably shouldn’t mention the jaw breaker I bought out of the kiosk at the mall from one of those bubble gum type machines.  I had to spit it out because it wasn’t a jaw breaker at all.  It was a bouncy ball.  There was the time I called the cops on the meter man, and the times I built fires in the fireplace with the flu closed.

I guess I’ve been “pulling moms” all my life.  Of course, as I get older, I start to worry about the memory ones.  Was I just distracted in my busy life, or do I have the beginnings of Alzheimer’s?  If I leave my car keys in the fridge, I’ll let you know…if I remember.

It really all makes me laugh.  If we can’t laugh at our own stupid deeds, who can?  I hope you’re better suited for the future though than I am.  I have a double whammy.  It seems I have a history of “pulling moms” and a distracted memory issue.  This is starting to exacerbate things.  I don’t know about you, but everything in my house is becoming Wi-Fi enabled.  I need security clearance and a password now days to do anything in my own home.  My printer is Wi-Fi enabled, our heating and cooling system is WIFI enabled, the book I read on my kindle, my phone, my alarm system, and for goodness sakes, even our saltwater fish tank is WIFI enabled. They all have their own email addresses.  If you’d like to have a chat with our blue tang fish, just email Handlerbluetang@gmail.com and he can tell you all about how he likes the water temp but hates the food at this establishment.

They say you should feed a cold and starve a fever, but with my history, I’m liable to feed a printer and starve a fish!  Please pray for me.

Leslie Handler is an award-winning syndicated columnist for Senior Wire News and freelances for such publications as The Philadelphia Inquirer, WHYY, HuffPost, Nextavenue, and Purple Clover.  Her book, Rats, Mice, and Other Things You Can’t Take to the Bank, is available on Amazon,  in libraries, and in bookstores. You may follow her blog and read previously published essays at: http://www.lesliegoesboom.com/.



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