Ladies and Gentlemen:
Are you feeling lazy, listless, cabin feverish? Are you unable to party like it’s 1999 days of quarantine? Do you want to ignore social distancing, throw caution to a sneeze and get a tattoo? If your roots are as gray as your mood and you’re just sick of it all, head down to Dr. Trumpenstein’s Viral Spa.
Lay back in the most beautiful facility ever, and receive our cutting-edge treatment formulated by Trumpenstein himself. He’s not a licensed doctor, but he’s a stable genius, has the best brain and knows more than all the medical professionals.
After consulting with our lead technician, Pam Demic, you’ll be disrobed and placed on one of our warming trays. Experience the hot, cleansing rays of UV and infrared light. You’ll feel like an extra-large order of McDonald’s fries.
The treatment is weight based so if you tend to be on the big-boned spectrum, we’ll shoot the light where the sun doesn’t shine. Our individualized care allows you to decide which orifice we use. After we’ve burnt the invisible enemy to a crisp, you’re ready for the next phase – disinfecting.
You’ll be taken to our stainless-steel sanitation room and strapped to a table. Under the tremendous supervision of Ivanka and Jared, our cracked Lab Tech duo, a high-pressure wash of Clorox is provided free of charge.
After you’re bleachy clean, Dr. Dolittle will administer a miracle injection of disinfectant . You’re able to pick your poison from a menu of beautiful products including – Lysol, Fantastik, Tilex and Windex. It only takes a minute and your lungs will never be the same.
So, throw away those pesky, protective masks and ignore CDC and NIH guidelines. Come try this unscientific, unhinged cure. Come to the spa’s grand-opening today in Coronaville, GA. The first one hundred clients will receive a signature Hydroxychloroquintini and a t-shirt emblazoned with our motto, “What do you have to lose?”