Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Tour de France, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
JLo will be taking on Ben Affleck’s name
Her new full name will be ‘Jennifer Married To The One Who Isn’t Matt Damon Affleck.’
Train wreck Herschel Walker polling at 7% among Black Georgia voters
… and that’s mostly his kids …
2022 British Open: Tiger Woods’ tearful goodbye
Please, please, please, let someone else drive him off into the sunset.
Biden tests positive COVID
That’ll teach him to ask for some positive news.
Elon Musk has jumped the shark
… And knocked it up.
J6 hearings go Prime Time
Gotta say, there hasn’t been that few guest appearance by black people on a prime time show since Friends!
Leaked invoice reportedly details Boris Johnson’s $240,000 home makeover, including a $8,400 rug
I’m shocked, shocked he paid anything for that thing on his head
Amber Heard says she’s ‘terrified’ that Johnny Depp will sue her for defamation again
Well, the dude does love a sequel.
Truck driver rams into abortion rights demonstrators at Roe Rally in Iowa
So, life begins at conception and ends at intersection.
Celsius Cryptocurrency Network confirms they’ve filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy
Actually, it’s doing so bad it started at Chapter 11 and dropped to Chapter 3.
McConnell clashes with Rick Scott over Republican agenda
A classic tale of the ‘Turtle vs the Hairless.’
Chinese man seeks divorce from wife of 16 years after learning his 3 daughters are not his biological children
Damn you, Nick Cannon!
Geico ordered to pay Missouri woman $5.2 million after she contracted STD in a car
No word if she was also claiming to be rear ended.
Josh Hawley seen fleeing mob he ‘riled up’ on newly released J6 footage
… Hawley is the Usain Bolt of Benedict Arnolds …