CHICAGO. Civic leaders here were ecstatic to learn that the “Windy City” they call home while living in the suburbs was ranked #1 in the annual “Best Big Cities” in the U.S. Poll conducted Condé Nast Traveler magazine. “I guess the folks in Gary, Indiana, can finally shut up about having the best air pollution in the Midwest,” said Mike Brandnewjetski, publisher of “Chicago Tourist” magazine. “We really smoked them this time–pun intended.”
But other urban areas have questioned the ranking, given the city’s long history of vote fraud–and the fact that Chicago also finished second and fourth in the poll, topping popular destinations such as San Francisco and Boston. “They’re sore losers,” said Brandnewjetski, who got his start in the city’s tourism industry working as a bouncer at a Rush Street night club. “Which song would you rather hear a million times–‘I Left My Heart in San Francisco’ or ‘Chicago, That Toddlin’ Town’? I know which one I’d choose, and it’s not just because I’m paid to say that.”
International observers led by former President Jimmy Carter have been dispatched to the area to check for ballot-box stuffing, a common practice here that is both widely accepted and a source of local pride. “Did I vote more than once?” says Charles “Chuck” Wiznant, a “ward heel” who votes in the firehouse of Engine Company 29 here. “Of course I did. It’s your civic duty to vote, so voting three, four times means you’re an extra double-good citizen.”
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, finished third, and the city’s Chamber of Commerce said it would file an appeal, hoping to move up at least one notch. “Milwaukee–whadda they got?” Brandnewjetski scoffed. “Beer, and they’re a day away from here. You can get a beer at plenty of places in Chicago.”
Perennial favorite San Francisco slipped to fifth, despite fun destinations such as the Alcatraz prison where tourists can escape the city’s rampant street crime. “It’s a good thing they keep this place open,” said Mindy Krinwold, who was visiting recently from Utah. “I didn’t feel safe with all those criminals out there.”
Does that include the cemetery vote?