My New Year’s Resolutions

Resolution #22

I, like many of you, endeavor to become a better person for the next year. How do we do this? By making new year’s resolutions.

And keeping them.

“I’ve never strayed from all I believe.
“I’m blessed with an iron will.
“Had I been made the partner of Eve
“We’d be in Eden still.”

– from the musical Camelot


Anyway, here are my new year’s resolutions:

1)  Give up lutefisk.

2) Give up mushrooms.

3) Never murder anyone who blocks aisles in supermarkets with their cart.

4) Not even when a customer and a checker chat for ten minutes. Like today, for instance. They’re both alive because of the previous year’s resolutions.

5) Go to exercise classes twice a week.

6) Go to arts and crafts class once a week.

7) Learn a new word every day.

8) Forget a new word every day.

9) Take a positive attitude.

10) Especially with laundry. Always do my very best to make sure all my socks pair.

11) Accept my limitations and jettison resolution #9.

12) Read as many bath books as I can.

13) Limit my television watching to programs I like.

14) Say, “Bunny!” everytime I see a rabbit.

15) Same thing for cows.

16) Halve the number of hours I spend watching curling.

17) Never bring up at parties how Sweden got screwed at the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.

18) No matter how many times people bring up the topic.

19) Join the At Least One Egg Eaten in a Year Club.

20) Eat tacos.

21) Limit spending to the things that cost money.

22) Have tea with a rabbit.

23) Make my resolution last from now until the end of 2023.


Wish me luck.


– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.


Check out my novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback

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2 thoughts on “My New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. The second time I had tea with a rabbit, she kept rabbiting on about trying to find some bunny to love.

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