WASHINGTON, D.C. Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell yesterday urged Congress to pass a bill that would consolidate various February holidays into a single occasion, thereby boosting labor productivity and jump-starting the American economy.
“We face a risk of hyperinflation as a result of the Federal Reserve’s policy of photocopying dollar bills and giving them away to developers of Frisbee golf courses,” Powell, abandoning his usual central banker reserve to demonstrate the standard backhanded toss of the popular aerodynamically-supported amusement device. “I don’t want the United States to turn into a banana republic with a holiday every weekend.”
Under the proposed legislation, Presidents Day, Groundhog’s Day, St. Valentine’s Day and the release date of Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue would be celebrated jointly on February 22nd, thereby allowing males to give their wives or girlfriends a groundhog or pictures of supermodels in bikinis without fear of retribution. “When the federal government combined Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays into a single holiday in 1971, people received mail that had been unaccountably delayed,” Bernanke asserted. “Unfortunately the Christmas shopping season was past, so the long-lost L.L. Bean catalogs weren’t much good.”
St. Valentine’s Day is celebrated by Christians and Jews, but not Muslims or Hindus. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Release Day is celebrated by Hedonists, but not Christians. Groundhog’s Day is a movie starring Bill Murray.
The Roman Catholic Church fought for and obtained an exemption for the Feast of St. Blaise, the patron saint of people who get fishbones stuck in their throats, which is celebrated on February 3rd. “That’s one of our highest-grossing feasts,” said Father Dominic Scalzo of Holy Leper Church in Brighton, Mass. “Take that away, and you explain to the seventh-graders why their CYO basketball shorts have holes in the seats.”
I’m not sure if I want to see either presidents or groundhogs in swimsuits.