Author: Jarod Kintz

The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dying my hair tonight.

I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.