Author: Jarod Kintz

My advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms…faster.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, […]

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, “At least he’s not a complete boob.

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.