I don’t want my kids to ever stop believing in Santa Claus. That way, when they grow up, they’ll never have to buy their kids presents. And they can spend more on me. Which they […]
This holiday, I hope my husband surprises me with a loaded Lexus wrapped up in a big red bow in my driveway. And by Lexus, I do mean a hot bi-racial guy with green eyes.
To avoid overindulging today, simply visualize the turkey as what it truly is: the charred, brutally amputated remains of what was once a living thing. That, or Mitt Romney dirty dancing. Whatever works.
If one’s quality of life can be somehow measured by how many times one’s therapist visibly cringes, I’m in a shitload of trouble.
Well, the ridiculous debate over who’s funnier – men or women – is trending all over the Internet again. I’m quite sure this competition goes back to caveman days when one guy would club another […]
Most people long for homes filled with laughing children for the holidays. I want mine swarming with tiny suck-up, cocktail-mixing, dust mop-footed robots.
Imagine the pressure of operating on Adele’s vocal chords. Now imagine the pressure of cutting into Glenn Beck’s… pressure of a whole different nature.
I was emailed this sickening image, along with an accompanying, and too gleefully punctuated, “Pass it on if you agree!”. Not only do I not agree, it has pissed me off to the point […]
I do not see eye to eye with my ophthalmologist. Same goes for my OB-GYN. Thankfully.
Yes, I hate children – and like most people I hate – it’s because I’m jealous. I hate them because everything is better and easier and more fun now than when I grew up. For […]