Do not let your cell phone fall into the toilet. It can’t swim, and it will drown and die, taking all of those messages and pictures with it.
Always blame the computer when it becomes infected with several viruses, acts weird and crashes. Unlike you, the true culprit, your computer is an inanimate object and you can never humiliate it or hurt its feelings by calling it a bleeping moron.
Do not install Direct TV unless you can keep it secret. Your neighbors who don’t have it will all want to come over and watch TV at your place. You will find yourself hosting an impromptu party. There will be potato chips all over your floor and unsightly rings and scratches on your furniture. Your guests will fight over what to watch, and end up in a big brawl. You will be raided by the cops and everybody will be thrown into the same jail cell until you all cool off or kill each other. You will be the laughingstock of the neighborhood for the next twenty years. So please be careful about installing anything more advanced than basic cable.
There are many, many free Kindle e-books. Unfortunately, none of them will be the ones you want.