The Daring Young Man on the Traffic Light

News stories can be a rich source of laughs.  Take this one, for instance:

AP ­ Tuesday, June 28, 2011

NEW YORK (AP) — A man who climbed atop a traffic light and briefly stopped cars in New York City’s Times Square has been taken into custody.

….

The man appeared to argue with four police officers trying to negotiate with him from the ladder of a police emergency truck.

Hundreds of onlookers packed the sidewalks to watch.

….

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“May I help you, Officers?” asked the young man standing on top of the traffic light.  His words were accompanied by a cacophony of car horns from vehicles stalled in the square below.

“Yeah, Buddy,” said the cop. “You can come down from there.”  He was the oldest of the
four uniformed policemen, a slightly paunchy man with graying hair, a piercing voice and
a sergeant’s shield.

“But I just got here,” said the man.

“Hehe! He’s a smartass weirdo,” said one of the younger cops.

“Yeah, that’s right, Manicotto,” said the sergeant. “He’ll entertain us while he keeps us
standing out here on a friggin’ ladder in the middle of Times Square!”  He swatted at a lone pigeon which had landed on his ladder.  The bird flew away, almost hitting the sergeant in the face with its wing.

“You gotta come down, Sir,” said another cop, a young Latina woman. “If you break that
light you could electrocute yourself.”

“Good!” said the traffic light man. “I’ll shoot up in lights all over Broadway! And yes, I want
to entertain everyone!” He began to sing, “They say the neon lights are bright on
Broadway …”

“Geez, I hate that fuckin’ song!” said the sergeant.

The female cop began to join in the song, “But when you’re walkin’ down the street, and you
ain’t had enough to eat …”

“Ramirez, what the hell are you doing?” asked the sergeant.

“Hey!” said Ramirez. “I coulda been a singer, yanno. A damned good one! My uncle says I’m
as good as Jennifer Lopez.”

“On what planet?” asked Manicotto.

“Don’t you talk to me!” said Ramirez. “I hate you! Last night was our six month anniversary.
You were supposed to take me out. I went out and bought a new dress and everything. A red
one, just like you like it. You didn’t even call!”

“I had a freakin’ migraine!” said Manicotto. “My head was falling apart. What do you want
from me?”

“You coulda called and told me that, you bastard!”

“Knock it off, you two!” yelled the sergeant. “You can kill each other later.”

“Excuse me,” said the traffic light man. “I couldn’t help overhearing. I really think you should
appreciate her more. I mean, she went out and bought a red dress and everything.”

“Thank you,” said Ramirez.

“Who asked you?” Manicotto yelled up to the man. “Do you believe this?” he asked nobody in
particular. “I’m getting relationship advice from a psycho on a light pole!”

“Okay, okay! Enough already!” said the sergeant. “Hey, Janisewsky,” he said to a fourth cop,
standing at the foot of the ladder. “I think we’re going to be here a while. Run over to Starbucks
and bring us back some coffee, okay? Keep a receipt and I’ll pay you.”

“Ooh! Are you going to Starbucks?” asked the traffic light man. “Can you get me a caramel
macchiato?”

 “Come down off that pole and you can get your own damned coffee!” said the sergeant.

“Hah! If he drinks coffee, he’s gonna have to come down off there pretty soon or burst,” said
Ramirez.

The sergeant looked at Ramirez, then back up at the traffic light man. “Okay, you got it!
Janisewsky, bring him the biggest sized caramel macchi-whatsits that they have. Bring two!”

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2 thoughts on “The Daring Young Man on the Traffic Light”

    1. Heh! Thanks for your comment. I originally wrote this as an exercise for a Humor Writing Workshop. I was rummaging around for something to post here, and remembered this.

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