We’re Goin’ Ridin’ on the 3 Way of Love | HumorOutcasts

We’re Goin’ Ridin’ on the 3 Way of Love

April 5, 2012
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My first New York boyfriend was a doctor who was much older than I was. When he took me to meet his parents I thought, Wow, this is a really nice cemetery.

He subscribed to the Rolling Penis Gathers No Moss Syndrome and had slept with every woman in Manhattan. Twice. He got bored with me very quickly and suggested a 3 way. I said No way and he said, My wife and I have an open relationship, why can’t we?

Many women decide to have a 3 way but it’s usually for the wrong reasons. You think your boyfriend will love you more, that it will keep him from leaving you and that you’ll be special to him because you’re giving him such a nice gift. You want to give him a nice gift? Don’t tell him you fake orgasms.

There are some rules you set up with a guy if you decide to have a 3 way.

A. She can’t be prettier than me.
B. She can’t be thinner than me.
C. She can’t be prettier or thinner than me.

“What if I don’t know what to do with a woman?”
“You have a catcher’s mitt and she has a catcher’s mitt. How difficult can that be? And you can always use your vibrator if my bat and balls are on a break.”

Like a sports metaphor is going to clear it all up for me.

And getting my vibrator in bed with me and another woman was going to be tricky since it was so big. It had a front seat.

And what if I was bad at it? I’d have to add lesbian sex to the other things I was bad at, like picking out ripe cantaloupes and remembering my correct age.

The Doctor and I picked a safe word. A word we could both use in case we wanted it to stop. I finally came up with what I thought was a great one. I picked something I could easily remember, provided I didn’t get drunk, take E or smoke weed and immediately forget it.

The girl’s name was Cricket. I decided to give myself a fake name like Jane or Mary. Something easy to forget.

“Your boyfriend said your name was Suzy?” Or Suzy.

We all undressed. The others quickly, like their clothes were on fire, me, wishing my clothes were on fire because that would have melted my cellulite.

The Doctor threw back a shot of tequila and took a hit off a joint. He offered the joint to Cricket who took it and passed it to me. I took a hit and passed it back to The Doctor. I figured the longer we passed that joint around, we’d all eventually pass out before I had to do anything.

“All right, I’m almost there.” The Doctor said.

Cricket and I looked over at the couch and noticed he was lying there at half mast, where ‘half mast’ equals mashed potatoes lying on a plate. How could he be “almost there” if he had no hard-on?

“Say when.” Cricket said.

“Soon.” He replied.

So we waited. And waaaaited. Waiting for him to get hard took so long Godot finally arrived.

“Now” he said, pumping the mashed potatoes very hard.

Cricket reached for my boobs and I explained that I didn’t like them touched. Which is why I never breastfed. That and I never had kids.

She kissed me and I jumped a little. “Could you just take it slow because I… okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.”

She’d found the g-spot, something The Doctor thought was where he parked his car in the garage. Did I forget to turn off the heat or was it just my catcher’s mitt?

And then I freaked out. Why was I doing this? I liked men. I preferred men. I was doing this for The Doctor and that embarrassed me, that I would do something I didn’t want to do just to please a man.

Time to pull out the safe word.

Remember I said I had to pick something I would remember, a word to use provided I didn’t get drunk or take E or smoke weed and immediately forget it? Well of course I got drunk and took E and smoked weed. And immediately forgot it.

By now the Ecstasy had kicked in and I thought my curtains looked awfully dingy and yet strangely hypnotic by the light of my ashen face.

What was the safe word?

“Boooooooooooooook?”

“Worm.” Cricket said. “No, case. BOOK CASE!! I LOVE Password.”

“Potaaaaaaaaaaaato.”

The Doctor spoke up. “Are you trying to remember the safe word?”

“Maybe.”

“Potato, seriously?”

“Well do YOU remember the safe word?”

“Of course I remember it but I’m not the one who wants it to stop!!”

“HEADband?”

Cricket and The Doctor laughed. I gave up. I was too high to remember the safe word.

“Fuck it.”

And The Doctor said, “Ok then, we’re done.”

 

 

Suzy Soro

If you're a fan of Seinfeld you'll remember me as the woman who got the last chocolate babka. I've also been on Curb Your Enthusiasm and every standup TV show from the 90's. I am also author of "Celebrity sTalker - Stories From a Woman Who Thinks Celebrities Are Dying to Talk to Her. Only They Aren't." These days you can find me out on my balcony staring into the middle distance and wishing I had better taste in men.

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28 Responses to We’re Goin’ Ridin’ on the 3 Way of Love

  1. April 9, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    Three is a bad number. Someone is always the third wheel.

    • April 9, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      People think the normal relationship is the dyad. Two people. Turns out that 3 is actually the number of most relationships because there’s always someone (ex, MIL, bff) who is involved and makes the relationship worse!

  2. April 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Too funny.
    I’ve never participated in a 3 way but I’ve seen many in porn movies. Guys love girl on girl action. When I went to see Broke Back Mountain, Hus was excited for me.

    • April 9, 2012 at 5:25 pm

      Heidi, you watch porn with tour husband. Does T know how lucky he is?

  3. Vodkamom
    April 9, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Oh sweet LORD in heaven.

    THAT was MY first (and last) three way. Now, pass me a cigarette.

    • April 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

      And all these years later Vodka and you and I are still friends and the guy is LONG gone!

  4. April 8, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    I would only consider a three-way if foreplay was going to involve her folding some laundry, cleaning a bathroom and bringing over a few groceries. She can be in charge of laughing at the husband’s bad jokes too!

    • April 8, 2012 at 7:12 pm

      Andrea, I have a feeling a lot of women would be interested in having a 3 way if the other woman did all of that.

  5. April 7, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Funny and (g)spot on, Ms.Soro.
    Loved you then, love you now!
    (let me rephrase that…)

    • April 7, 2012 at 3:23 pm

      Peter, you’ll always be one of my favorite people in the whole world because you’ve supported my comedy since New York days. LOVE YOU, KIDDO!

      • April 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

        And I love you, sweet Suzy.

        I make my quasi-triumphant return to live in the NYC area on April 26th. Who says you can’t go home again?

        Well, there was the Feds, but that’s another story….

        • April 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

          ARGH! Why are you leaving?

          • Peter Spellos
            April 7, 2012 at 4:30 pm

            Done with the industry but most of all, to live near my 91 yr. old Mom.

          • April 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

            Aww Pete, you’re still the sweet guy I’ve always known. You’re a good son. Best wishes for you and your brother and your mom. xo

  6. April 6, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Hilarious! At least in the re-telling. My wife lets me have a three-way, as long as the other woman is on the TV.

    • April 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

      Mike, your wife is a genius.

  7. April 6, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    Oh, that’s why you look so familiar!

    loved this!

    • April 6, 2012 at 7:37 pm

      I remember all your tattoos.

  8. April 6, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    Hahahahah …so what WAS the safeword?

    • April 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

      Mayor Gia, the last word I said in the piece was the safe word.

  9. Deb Martin-Webster
    April 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Suzy, this story was hysterical, I laughed out loud and then my husband read it and he laughed out loud saying, “Nothing like a few bangers with your mash.” He’s british so I think your story made him hungry.

    • April 6, 2012 at 5:51 pm

      Hilarious, bangers with your mash!! And now that made me hungry.

  10. April 6, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    This is exactly how it would’ve gone down for me had I followed through with what my older grad student boyfriend when I was SEVENTEEN kept pushing on me.

    It got down to the almost clothes off and I said I can’t. Not enough vodka and heroin in the world to get me to do what he wanted me to.

    And I never even did vodka or heroin..but I still knew that not even that would’ve done the trick.

    • April 6, 2012 at 4:34 pm

      Heroin! THAT’S what I needed!

  11. April 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I’ve been singing Aretha Franklin since last night. Hilarious.

  12. April 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    This is everythng I imagined a three-way to be.

  13. April 5, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Donna, and this was the toned down version!!

  14. April 5, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    oh my Suzy! You certainly have led an amazing life. I mean really, really amazing. 🙂



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