Resolutions I Ought to Make But Probably Won’t

For years now, my one New Year’s resolution has been to make no resolutions. This year will be different, because I will at least think of some things that ought to be done better in the twelve months to come. This is no guarantee that I’ll put any of these into practice. Knowing me, I’ll take a look at this list, laugh and toss it in with this week’s recycling. Anyway, just so you will all know what kind of glaring faults I have that I won’t care enough about to correct, here is my 2013 New Year’s Resolution List.

1. To Harmony the cat: I promise never again to tickle you or tweak your tail and ears while you are trying to sleep or post silly pictures of you on the Internet.

2. To everyone who rides the uptown No. 1 IRT train in the evening: I don’t care how tired I am or how much older I am than most of you are. I will acknowledge that I am fat and will not squeeze into any more sitting spots that are too narrow for my copious butt to fit into.

3. I am an educated woman. I will watch only PBS and other uplifting programs on TV. I will never again sit glued to the Investigative Discovery Channel or the Biography Channel when they are showing “Mobsters.” In addition, I will not look for James Bond marathons if another channel is showing independent movies by real artsy filmmakers, no matter how bored they make me.

4. To all my bosses: I will always act on the job in such a manner so as to show that I can be mature, intelligent, sedate and sane when I want to be. In addition, I acknowledge that you do not appreciate nicknames like Terminator and Caligula, and will cease and desist from using them for all eternity.

5. PURPOSELY LEFT BLANK IN CASE I THINK OF SOMETHING GOOD.

6. To myself: I will get rid of all the unnecessary junk that is cluttering my apartment.

7. To myself: If, in the process of de-cluttering the apartment, I find nice, useful things I forgot about years ago, I will be quiet and sedate about it. I will not dance around the apartment, yell or otherwise show any sign of joy.

8. To Humor Outcasts: I will always tell only the truth in every piece that I post. I will never exaggerate or just plain make something up out of my fertile imagination just because it’s funny.*

9. To myself: I will stop looking at myself in mirrors, especially when anxiously looking for new wrinkles.

10. To myself and everyone around me: I will never again hum “Dominick the Donkey” at Christmastime, no matter how much of an earworm it is.

*Oh, damn! Were my fingers crossed when I said that? Sorry.