Wife: Does this shirt make me look pregnant?
Me: No, it makes you look fat.
Just once, it’d be nice if my brain and mouth worked together.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2013
My toddler opened a bottle of dietary fiber & ate it by the handful. My goal is to make sure 8 hours from now she’s at her grandma’s house.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2013
I ran for the first time in months to get across the street. In hindsight, it would’ve been less painful to go slow and get hit by a car.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2013
I had the day off. My wife didn’t.
Wife: What will you do all day?
Me: Get day drunk.
W:
M: Rake leaves.
*rakes leaves while day drunk*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2013
I wish I had wings. I have no desire to soar with the eagles. I just want to poop on things from a great height.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2013