It’s been 19 days and my boss still hasn’t noticed I changed his email status to “away” and his auto-reply message to “Can’t talk. Pooping.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013
*moves the most expensive cuts of beef to the top shelf*
*shouts, “The steaks have never been higher!”*
*gets escorted out of Kroger*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013
I never said you were ugly. In fact, I think you look pretty good for someone who obviously stopped exercising and gave up on life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013
Me: Mommy is going to have a baby.
3-year-old: But I already have a baby sister. Will we give her away?
She takes competition seriously.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013
How to pick up chicks:
1) Locate a woman.
2) Say, “Hey baby, I know how to fold a fitted sheet.”
3) Drown in pussy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2013