Whenever I see a sign that says, “300 days without an accident,” I don’t feel safe. I just wonder what the hell happened 300 days ago.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2013
Sorry, vegans, but it’s impossible for you to live without killing something. That moss didn’t want to die for your hunger. You’re monsters
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2013
I really enjoyed this conversation. Well, the parts where I talked, anyway. You were awful.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2013
Me: *sees coworker apply makeup* You don’t need that stuff
Her: Aw, thanks
Me: Seriously, it won’t help. What you need is plastic surgery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 19, 2013
I threw away my deviled eggs. Apparently there’s no way to hatch them and get demonic chickens.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2013
You took all the fun out of deviled eggs for me. Now, I have to worry if I am going to be possessed.
I can’t stop thinking about how he tried to get them to hatch.