Me: "Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up."
Wife: "You mean 'kids,' plural, right?"
Me: "I’ll be right back."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2013
My boss asked me to do an honest self-assessment, so I wrote, “I’m perfect, mother fucker,” in 90-point font. Big promotion, here I come.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2013
Me: *calls* "What should I make the kids?"
Wife: "Just feed them whatever you’re having."
Me: *gives the kids pizza rolls and Busch Light*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2013
Me: I have a confession
Wife:
Me: I’ve been “it” since 1994. I was tagged, then everyone went home
W:
M: You should get yourself tested
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2013
In college, my professor once forgot to specify he wanted all assignments in Times New Roman, so I turned in a 20-page paper in Wingdings.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2013
Right about now, social services is saying, “Who is this guy?” 🙂