You’re officially an adult when you realize being honest and being polite are never the same thing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2014
Wife: You didn’t notice my haircut Me: You didn’t notice mine W: Huh? M:*gasps* You can’t tell? I’ll ride this lie to victory or divorce
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2014
McDonald’s might extend breakfast hours. They finally realized their best customers aren’t healthy enough to get out of bed before noon.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2014
My favorite part of the Bible is when Jesus tells Peter to turn off his targeting computer and use the Force.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2014
The first rule of marriage is you lose.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2014