Skinny People and Fat People | HumorOutcasts

Skinny People and Fat People

October 3, 2016
By

oreos

In this world, there are skinny people and fat people.  Personally, I don’t believe that physical appearance has one single thing to do with whether you are a fat person or a skinny person.  I think it all has to do with what’s between your ears.  Allow me to explain.

When I was growing up, my family went on a whirlwind tour of Europe. My older brother kept a diary of the whole trip.  All these years later, we always have a good laugh when we talk about that diary.  It went something like this:

Day One: Dear Diary, we arrived in Paris today.  We saw the Eiffel Tower.  For breakfast, I had Eggs Benedict with strawberries in cream.  For lunch, I had a chef’s salad.  For dinner, I had escargot as an appetizer, chateaubriand for my main course, and cherries jubilee for dessert.

Day Two: Dear Diary, we spent the day in Rome today. We saw the Coliseum. I had a continental breakfast with a croissant and fresh butter.  For lunch, I had a tuna sandwich.  For dinner, I ate spaghetti.

It was hysterical.  Our family ate its way through Europe.  To this day, My husband laughs when my parents come to visit because at dinner they are discussing what we will have for breakfast in the morning and in the morning, they are discussing what we should plan for dinner.

Being Jewish alone will cause anyone a bit of food trauma.  All holidays are surrounded by food.  As the Jewish motto goes, we suffered, we survived, let’s eat!

What I’m trying to say here, is that my family is a family of fat people.  Some of us are physically thin, and some of us are physically fat, but all of us, have food on the brain.  We lost my grandmother many years ago, but I can still clearly hear her voice repeating the phrases she most frequently uttered.

1. Before a meal: “Jeet?” (definition: did you eat?)

2. After a meal: “You have ample?” (I think this one is self-explanatory.)

3. Five minutes after a meal: “Jeet?”

Now my husband, his family is full of skinny people.  His family would’ve gone to Europe and kept diaries of all the sites they’d seen and the people they’d met.  Today, my husband has, for the first time, developed a little baby pot belly.  This does not, and I repeat, does not, make him a fat person.  He’s a skinny person.  I’m the fat person.  Here’s why.

One day, we went to the grocery together.  We were making all the necessary purchases when my husband made an impulse purchase of a package of double stuffed Oreo cookies.  We went home and unloaded the groceries into the pantry.  Every day for a week, those cookies called to me.  At first, it was just a little whisper.

“Leslie, we’re here.”

Then they got more insistent.

“Leslie, we’re here. Come eat us.”

Then they started screaming at me.

“WHY HAVEN’T YOU EATEN US?”

Finally, they took action and poured themselves a cold glass of milk and set it out on the counter. 

“Leslie, we’re ready for dunking now.”

After an entire week of suffering to prevent myself from eating my husband’s cookies, I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I finally told my husband to eat his stupid cookies or I was going to throw them away(for full disclosure, I don’t think I used the actual word “stupid” here but more of a stronger, less ladylike word).

Do you know what his response was to me?  Can you imagine what he said?  He told me that he forgot we bought them.  He forgot!!!!!!!

Now that’s a skinny person for ya.

In my next life, when my mother goes to get me a warm chocolate chip cookie to make me feel better when I skin my knee on the playground, I know exactly what I’m going to do.  I’m going to tape it to my knee.  Yep, I’ll put it right over the wound.  I’ll put it there instead of eating eat because it will be my understanding that it’s to be put on my skinned knee to make it feel better.  How on earth would eating it make me feel better?  This will be my understanding about comfort food in my next life. Because in my next life, I’m determined to be a skinny person!

Leslie Handler

Leslie is an internationally syndicated columnist for Senior Wire and a 2015 Society of Newspaper Columnists award winner. She is a frequent contributor to WHYY's Newsworks, has written for The Philadelphia Inquirer, ZestNow, and Boomercafe, as well as blogs for The Huffington Post. She has a Bachelor of Journalism degree and currently lives smack dab between Philadelphia and New York City with husband Marty, dogs Maggie and Hazel, a collection of fish, said husband's cockatoo who she's been trying to roast for dinner for the last 31 years, and a few occasional uninvited guests. You may follow her blog and read published essays at: LeslieGoesBoom.com.

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8 Responses to Skinny People and Fat People

  1. October 5, 2016 at 1:50 am

    Fat people are the fun group.

    Have you ever gone to a skinny person’s house where food was involved? If you’re lucky, you’ll get a cup of coffee and two little cookies. On the other hand, my Italian grandmother would have been insulted if you didn’t eat yourself into oblivion when you went to her house. She would have thought you didn’t like her cooking.

    Being a fat person, both in body and in thought processes, I like it when I am encouraged to eat everything in sight. It’s even more fun when everyone is talking at once, trying to outshout each other. I think that must be what heaven is like — a big, noisy Italian family feast!

  2. October 4, 2016 at 11:27 am

    Today get this. And I have generations of family pictures that prove your point. If you want to get off Oreos, try the gluten free variety. OMG you will never eat a chocolate cookie again. loved your story.

  3. October 3, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    I often buy myself treats and then forget about them or never get around to eating them. I definitely think you’re onto something. Maybe this belongs in a scientific journal instead of on a humor site?

    • October 5, 2016 at 2:00 am

      If there are treats in my cupboard, they can be assured they will never be forgotten. If I don’t get around to them the first day I buy them, I will get to them very soon.

      I’m the same way with cash. There are people who can stash money in drawers and other places around the house, forget about it and get a nice surprise when they find it. I can’t do that. If I have a dollar bill in a drawer, I not only know it is there, I know if I put it with my socks or my nightgowns. Therefore, I cannot use this method of making sure there is “rainy day” cash around.

      On the other hand, I probably have a few hundred dollars’ worth of coins in a large jar on my kitchen table. I have been building this collection for a few years. One of these days I’ll take it to the bank, put it through the coin machine and deposit the result. The last time I did that I was disappointed in the amount. Maybe that won’t happen this time.

  4. October 3, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    I cannot imagine forgetting there were oreos in the cupboard, but you have nailed the difference between skinny people and those of us with a little extra padding, Leslie!

  5. October 3, 2016 at 6:48 pm

    My diary would be closer to your side of the family. I see nothing wrong with that! LOL

  6. October 3, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    Haha., I have met those people! I’m more like you…. pandora’s box calls and calls.

  7. Bill Spencer
    October 3, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    Thoreau said, “I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” I think if he were alive today, he’d change that to “suck out all the double stuff of Oreos.”



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