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Unicorn Bites #581

December 20, 2014
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4-year-old: Why do cows only make milk? Me: What else should they make? 4: Nachos — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 6, 2014 I’m sick of sitting at home staring at my phone. I want to travel the world…

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Unicorn Bites #580

December 20, 2014
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2-year-old: *walks into the room* I AM NOT A FISH. *walks out the room* I’m glad she cleared that up. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2014 4-year-old: I can speak another language. Me: What…

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Unicorn Bites #579

December 19, 2014
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4-year-old: It’s bad luck if a black cat crosses your path. Me: No it’s not. 4: It is if it’s a panther. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 3, 2014 4-year-old: Do you know how…

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Unicorn Bites #578

December 19, 2014
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Professor: Which dynasty came after the Ming Dynasty? Me: Professor: Me: Duck? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2014 Wife: You didn’t do anything today. Me: I quit smoking. Wife: You never smoked. Me: OK.…

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Unicorn Bites #577

December 18, 2014
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4-year-old daughter: *watches “Jurassic Park”* I don’t like the T. rex. Me: Why not? 4: He’s a dick. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2014 4-year-old: I found two pennies. Me: So? 4: I don’t need you anymore. —…

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Unicorn Bites #576

December 18, 2014
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Me: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Do you know what that means? 4-year-old: Horses are stupid. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2014 4-year-old: I don’t want a…

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Unicorn Bites #575

December 17, 2014
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Wife: Jogging burns 300 calories. Me: What about napping? Wife: Like 1 calorie. Me: *takes 300 naps* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 29, 2014 4-year-old: When does Monopoly end? Me: When someone gets punched in…

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Unicorn Bites #574

December 17, 2014
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My wife asked me to carry our 9-foot Christmas tree up three flights of stairs. Now I’m Jewish. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2014 Me: Clean up your room. 2-year-old: I don’t have to.…

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Unicorn Bites #573

December 16, 2014
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My wife texted me to ask how many beers I’ve had. My phone changed “none” to “nine.” Autocorrect is a fucking narc. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 27, 2014 4-year-old: What’s for lunch? Me: It’s Thanksgiving. What do…

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Unicorn Bites #572

December 16, 2014
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People who go to hell: 1) ax murderers 2) Nazis 3) people who send game invites on Facebook — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014 Me: *guzzles wine* Wife: That’s not how you do a wine tasting. Me: Sorry. *guzzles wine…

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