A letter to myself two hours ago… | HumorOutcasts

A letter to myself two hours ago…

July 17, 2013
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photo credit: Alan Cleaver via photopin cc

photo credit: Alan Cleaver via photopin cc

I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could go back in time to tell myself something.  For starters, I would tell myself not to see any of the Sex and the City movies.

Then I would tell myself not to waste my time even trying to read the horrible writing that is The Twilight Series.  If I wanted to read bad grammar and poor writing, I would read my blog.

It’s http://lisanewlin.com.  Yes, it’s a shameless plug, but I don’t care.

So I decided to write myself a letter…and address it to Lisa from 2 hours ago.  I realize I probably can’t go back in time and read this letter to myself.  However, I don’t completely understand the space-time concept, so maybe I can.

I just can’t take Albert Einstein seriously with that hair, as I refuse to believe anything that comes from someone who can’t master the concept of a hairbrush and a dab of hair gel.

photo credit: sofi01 via photopin cc

photo credit: sofi01 via photopin cc
See what I mean? He’s creepy, right?

This is yet another reason I can’t get on board with Justin Beiber…homeboy needs a comb.

Assuming a respected scientist with a grasp of hair products comes along and explains the space time continuum to me, I want to be ready to go back in time and give myself some tips.  So here is the letter I wrote to myself if I could go back in time just 2 hours.

photo credit: josef.stuefer via photopin ccIsn't this so futuristic?

photo credit: josef.stuefer via photopin cc
Isn’t this so futuristic?

If I could go back in time further back than that, the letter would be far too long to post here…and far too depressing to read.  I figured 2 hours was a good time frame.

Dear Lisa from two hours ago,

Hi, it’s me….Lisa from your future. Put down the remote control and read this for a minute. Gossip Girl can wait, and so can those cookies. (Okay, you can have one).

Here’s some advice you should take for tonight. You probably won’t take this advice (because you won’t take the time to read a letter that doesn’t have pictures or smiley faces,) but please read on to prevent issues for this evening.

I know you love to eat. Who doesn’t? But please, take this advice. Do NOT eat the entire bag of Cheez-Its. Don’t do it.

Yes, their cheesy goodness is delicious, and yes, I understand that licking the artificial cheese powder off your fingers is the best part about the carb-loaded snack.

photo credit: sortofbreakit via photopin cc

photo credit: sortofbreakit via photopin cc

But puh-lease heed my advice and lay off the box. Stop about halfway through. You won’t be sorry.

Throw on a bra before you greet the pizza delivery guy at the door.  Although you prefer to be comfortable while in your own home, the local Domino’s branch doesn’t want a workers compensation claim of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the delivery guy because you can’t seem to throw on a support bra before pulling the piping pizza from his hands.

Don’t waste your time with the generic toilet paper.  You need more than 2 ply to get through the night, especially if you disregarded numbers one and two above (and I know you did.  You can’t resist carbs).

Do yourself a favor, spend the extra bucks and buy the Charmin instead of the store brand.  You don’t want to discover that you literally have a chapped a$$ by the end of the night.  Your a$$ will thank you.

Don’t turn on the heater in April.  Yes, in Spring it can get cold, but you live in the Midwest where the weather is almost as bipolar as you are.

photo credit: Sharon Mollerus via photopin cc

photo credit: Sharon Mollerus via photopin cc

Lay off on the peanut butter in the dogs’ Kongs.  Although it’s true the peanut butter Kongs keep them quiet for one delightful hour, it’s overshadowed by the next hour, which you will spend cleaning up dog poop on the living room rug.

Since I’m sure you disregarded my suggestions to stop eating and buy expensive toilet paper, you will already be sick of dealing with poo, so this advice is especially important.

Love, your favorite person in the world,

Lisa from the future

Lisa Newlin

Lisa is a humor writer who plays an unconvincing lawyer in year life. She prefers dogs to most people, and food over most everything. Her blog, http://lisanewlin.com will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. (Except if the question is "What should I throw on this fire?" Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.) She is also a co-author of the bestselling humor books, "I Just Want to Be Alone" and "'You've Got Lipstick On Your Teeth,' And Other Things Only Heard From Your Friends In The Powder Room." You should buy them immediately on Amazon.com.

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2 Responses to A letter to myself two hours ago…

  1. Theresa Wiza
    July 18, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I’m picturing myself right now contacting my future self to help me prevent all my future mishaps, but then I see the hospital staff trying to wrap a white coat with long sleeves around me. Still, it would be nice. Loved this post!

  2. July 18, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Lisa, if you ever decide that law is too boring for you, think stand up! You always make me howl!



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