Grumpy Cat Conquers Hollywood (While Hollywood Conquers Me) | HumorOutcasts

Grumpy Cat Conquers Hollywood (While Hollywood Conquers Me)

June 5, 2013

Full disclosure: I don’t watch nor seek out cute cat videos on the Internet. The only way I’ve come across “Cute Kitty Plays With Ball of String” or “Kitty Plays Peek-A-Boo” or whatever is if it’s shown on something I happen to be watching.

So I’ve never heard of Grumpy Cat until I saw a story about her recently on Good Morning America. Apparently Grumpy Cat is a phenomenon. She has a website, merchandise, and a book. And now she has a movie deal. That’s right. The cat has a movie deal. She’s going to star in a movie by the people who unleashed the Garfield movies on us. Just to be clear, she’s not going to be rendered in CGI. She’s actually starring in the damn movie.

I hate to sound bitter but as someone who is trying to make it out here in Hollywood, it is very frustrating when you see a frigging cat get a movie deal before you. I mean I am one miserable bastard. No one is grumpier than me. Where is my movie deal? It’s so unfair. When a cat is grumpy, it’s adorable. When I’m grumpy, my wife wants to punch me in the face.

Do you know what adds even more salt to the wound? The cat has managers. Yes, you read that correctly. Representation. While I’m reading the rejection emails agents and managers send me, there’s some beefed up, oily guy with a sexy accent saying “More catnip, Ms. Grumpy?” as she’s lounging by the pool on one of those frou-frou pillows.

I hate to admit it but there’s a part of me that wonders if I can get a pitch meeting with Grumpy Cat. Even though I don’t think I could face the humiliation if she turned down my pitch. I don’t want some squirrely manager giving me a fake smile as he says: “Sorry, she’s not purring.”

What’s worse are the nightmares I keep having. I wake up in a disheveled bed with something stuck in my throat. I finally manage to cough it up. I look down on the bed and it’s a hairball. Confused, I roll over and facing me is Grumpy Cat. Except her sour puss is gone. She’s…she’s…smiling. Then the squirrely manager guy says, “You almost had a deal, kid. But you made her smile. She’s happy. She’s no good to me now.”

But he makes one last buck off of Grumpy Cat when he sells the sex tape of us that he made to Animal Planet. Before I know it, the Jimmys (Fallon and Kimmel) are mocking me in their opening monologues and my non-existent screenwriting career is in the litter box. That’s when I always wake up screaming.

This damn town. In the end, it always gets you one way or the other.



Mario Turchiarolo

Mario Turchiarolo is a film/TV/and comic book writer. He’s also a foodie who loves to cook and eat. Check out his food blog The Bite at

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10 Responses to Grumpy Cat Conquers Hollywood (While Hollywood Conquers Me)

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    June 5, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    It is a well-known fact that grumpy cats are cuter and funnier than grumpy humans. You can take a picture of a grumpy cat, put it on the Internet and have everyone laughing. A picture of a grumpy human only makes people wonder why his knickers are in a knot.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    June 5, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Call me cynical but when someone begins a post by telling us that they don’t watch nor seek out cute cat videos on the Internet, I kinda don’t believe them!

  3. June 5, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    I once saw a book titled “A Guide To Walking”. Yes, a book on walking (info on shoes, planning routes, etc). I thought “just walk away from McDonalds and you’ll be fine. Point being — it’s ridiculous. But convert that to determination. Maybe that’s why we get this garbage.

    • June 7, 2013 at 1:00 am

      I honestly don’t know what’s scarier: That someone publishes or that someone buys it.

  4. June 5, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Freaking cats making it big when we all know that it is Gregory that is the true star. No one beats that face, right?

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      June 5, 2013 at 9:47 am

      I have a brilliant idea. If Grumpy Cat can get a movie contract, Frankie and Lulu are a shoo-in. Mario could write their first screenplay.

      See? Everybody wins!

    • June 7, 2013 at 1:01 am

      Exactly! Gregory should be the King of the Internet and the star of his own action franchise!

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