Full disclosure: I don’t watch nor seek out cute cat videos on the Internet. The only way I’ve come across “Cute Kitty Plays With Ball of String” or “Kitty Plays Peek-A-Boo” or whatever is if it’s shown on something I happen to be watching.
So I’ve never heard of Grumpy Cat until I saw a story about her recently on Good Morning America. Apparently Grumpy Cat is a phenomenon. She has a website, merchandise, and a book. And now she has a movie deal. That’s right. The cat has a movie deal. She’s going to star in a movie by the people who unleashed the Garfield movies on us. Just to be clear, she’s not going to be rendered in CGI. She’s actually starring in the damn movie.
I hate to sound bitter but as someone who is trying to make it out here in Hollywood, it is very frustrating when you see a frigging cat get a movie deal before you. I mean I am one miserable bastard. No one is grumpier than me. Where is my movie deal? It’s so unfair. When a cat is grumpy, it’s adorable. When I’m grumpy, my wife wants to punch me in the face.
Do you know what adds even more salt to the wound? The cat has managers. Yes, you read that correctly. Representation. While I’m reading the rejection emails agents and managers send me, there’s some beefed up, oily guy with a sexy accent saying “More catnip, Ms. Grumpy?” as she’s lounging by the pool on one of those frou-frou pillows.
I hate to admit it but there’s a part of me that wonders if I can get a pitch meeting with Grumpy Cat. Even though I don’t think I could face the humiliation if she turned down my pitch. I don’t want some squirrely manager giving me a fake smile as he says: “Sorry, she’s not purring.”
What’s worse are the nightmares I keep having. I wake up in a disheveled bed with something stuck in my throat. I finally manage to cough it up. I look down on the bed and it’s a hairball. Confused, I roll over and facing me is Grumpy Cat. Except her sour puss is gone. She’s…she’s…smiling. Then the squirrely manager guy says, “You almost had a deal, kid. But you made her smile. She’s happy. She’s no good to me now.”
But he makes one last buck off of Grumpy Cat when he sells the sex tape of us that he made to Animal Planet. Before I know it, the Jimmys (Fallon and Kimmel) are mocking me in their opening monologues and my non-existent screenwriting career is in the litter box. That’s when I always wake up screaming.
This damn town. In the end, it always gets you one way or the other.