Twitter Rules: Friends and Followers

Let me preface this post by saying that in the past three years, I have met some wonderful people on Twitter. In fact, some of these people I count among my closest friends. However, I will admit that some people scare me, and when I am scared, I do not initiate Twitter contact nor do I follow back. I have a few quick rules that determine whether I will be tweeting with someone or pretending he or she does not exist.

Rule 1.  I don’t follow anyone whose first sentence of a bio is: My ex is a prick, witch or any word that defines human body parts or waste material.  Okay, I get some marriages are bad and maybe the exes were all these things, and I don’t care if you tweet about it once in a while, but when it’s part of your bio and never goes away, that tells me your anger level has not quite subsided. So, either your followers are now your therapists or your next potential victims. Either way, it’s frightening.

Rule 2.  I am not a good translator so chances are if you do not speak English, Spanish or Italian you have lost me. Honestly, one day I would love to purchase all the Rosetta Stone language lessons but since these DVDs are the price of a small home (not a mobile home but a home with no wheels), I doubt that’s happening.  Let me stress that there is no race or ethnic issue here. This is the issue: I know that I will screw up in some translation and cause a major international incident and frankly, I don’t want to be the next subject of a Lifetime movie that centers on some middle-aged writer who is extradited to some foreign prison where they hate women who can’t speak their language, and so they decide to make an example out of me to avenge the crimes of all the ugly Americans who got away. (Wow, this is a script. Where are the Lifetime producers when you need them?)

Rule 3. If you look younger than 21, I am not your kind of Tweep.  Why? Because if we cannot have a drink together, we probably have nothing in common. You are also young enough for me to ground you which is another reason why I don’t want to know too much about you.  I can try to talk the language and understand your youthful angst but to be honest, I have enough of my own perimenopausal angst to deal with and since you think anyone over 30 is ancient, you will not be good for my ego or blood pressure.

Rule 4.  I will not follow if you are only about social causes and you don’t think humor helps those causes. What can I say except that we have no future together.   For the record, I get social causes. I can rattle off a litany of organizations and projects that I have helped out  through the years, but you have to have other life stuff going on besides these causes…like a job.  If you are on Twitter all day and have no job, my guess is your disappointment multiplies by the minute. So, rather than follow me or anyone, log out of all social media, turn off your computer and go for a nice walk somewhere. Better yet, go visit a puppy.  I know this sounds inane and silly, but nothing alleviates cynicism and hopelessness like a puppy, and I guarantee your tweets will be kinder.

And finally,

Rule 5.  I made the mistake of following several people who promised in their bios that I can earn a million dollars in one year, and guess what? They didn’t deliver. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me a dozen times, shame on me.