Wife: *glares* "Do you think you’re funny?"
Me: "Yes."
W:
M:
W:
Me: "I mean no."
W:
M: "How many guesses do I get?"
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2013
“Daddy, why does he have angry eyebrows?” That’s how my 3 y.o. got me into a conversation w/ a huge dude w/ neck tattoos. Kids are dangerous
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2013
I want to be an old guy who watches traffic all day. I’ll keep it interesting by using a laser pointer to blind drivers and cause accidents.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2013
“Did you know that pushing someone out a window is called defenestration?”—my favorite fact to recite while I push someone out a window
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2013
Never do today what you can put off until it either goes away or becomes a crisis.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2013