3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2013
I don’t get why people think yoga pants are sexy. I’ve been wearing mine all day and my wife hasn’t tried to fuck me once.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2013
Interviewer: What are your qualifications?
Me: I can sit in one spot for 8 hours and I’m really good at being miserable.
Him: You’re hired
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2013
I’m a man, so I dress myself. I mean, my wife picks out my clothes, but I button them up and everything.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2013
I’d be your friend, but then you’d probably want to come over to my house and I’d have to clean it. It’s easier for me just to hate you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2013