Boss: What’d you accomplish today?
Me: I made the office prettier by showing up
B:
M:
B:
M: I didn’t poop my pants
B: That’s progress
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2013
I’m not anti-social. I’m just anti-people. I have no objection to partying with robots.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2013
Masturbation: because my hand doesn’t make me listen to a boring story first
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2013
I’m always sad when a snowman is about to melt and then evaporate. He will be mist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2013
Me: What was it like during the Great Depression?
Grandma: I don’t remember any great depressions. The one I went through was pretty shitty
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2013