My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2013
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2013
Guys! Guys! You’re not going to believe this: I found a Tupperware container and a lid that go together! Just kidding. That’s impossible.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2013
I’d make a great smuggler. I could fit so many drugs in the hole where my soul should be.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2013
Have you ever used so much lube that your hand flew off & hit your face? On an unrelated note, I got this black eye in a fight or something.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2013
