Me: *bursts into the room* I NEED A SNORKEL AND A SHOTGUN. THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: *goes back to reading*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2013
My 3-year-old leaned in to kiss me but instead sneezed in my face. Let me know when the rewarding part of parenthood kicks in.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2013
My hate for you isn’t personal, but only because I don’t consider you to be a real person. Your IQ puts you somewhere in the shrub family.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2013
I love when people ask for my zodiac sign. It lets me know I don’t need to waste my time respecting their intelligence.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2013
With my wife, “maybe” means “no” and “no” means “if you poke me with it again, I’ll break it off.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2013
Now I have to know. What is your zodiac sign? 😉