Your Official One Size Fits All Weekend Horoscope

For all you HumorOutcasts readers, this is my weekly weekend one size fits all horoscope I do out of the goodness of my heart on my blog, The Monkey Bellhop.  While it may appear that it takes me considerable time to get to the point regarding your horoscope, I assure you it is not me.  You see, the universe works through me and I am asleep almost the entire time I am typing these words.  In fact, I’m drifting off this very minute…

monkey bellhop, weekend horoscope, zodiac, astrology

July 26th.  Can you believe it?  Seems like only yesterday it was July 4th.  Summer is.  Just. Flying. By.

Did you find yourself pausing even a little when you read the previous three words?  Doing what I can to slow summer down for you myself by stretching everything out through the use of additional punctuation.  Let me know if it worked, maybe I could get a patent.  Then 10, 15 years down the road or however long it takes for my case to wind through the court system, I could reach a big settlement with China for stealing my idea of using punctuation to prolong the passage of time.  I’m 99% certain they’ve already lifted my idea while I was writing this.  Didn’t even hit “publish” yet.  I feel so violated.

I never feel too comfortable around China.  If they ever asked me out on a date, I’m sure the first words out of my mouth would be, “I have the flu,” without even thinking.  Always sneaking around, stealing secrets; you’d think they’d have enough people and brain power to figure out their own stuff.

We have 311 million people here in the U.S., China has 1.44 billion.  That’s roughly four Chinese citizens to every one American.  They could probably get a thousand guys to show up on a Monday morning and paint a three bedroom house in six minutes where here in the U.S., it would take us three weeks to get the job done with even ten guys.  I realize that’s because in the United States contractors never return your calls but just the same, numbers don’t lie.

No where was I?  Your horoscope.   Wait, I started out talking about the fleeting summer and the passage of time.  Let me wrap that up, if you don’t mind.  I’d just feel better if I wrapped it up before getting to your horoscope.  My wife says I never finish anything.  She’s on a trip this weekend, visiting her sisters in Texas.  I’d like to be able to show this to her when she gets back just so I can prove her wrong and then she won’t be able to say a thing to me about all the dishes that have been in the sink since the moment I dropped her at the airport.

I remembered the point I was trying to make earlier.  Everybody’s trying to live in the moment these days.  Do you have friends and relatives talking about how important it is to live in the moment?   Giving you advice.  Working on themselves?  “Try to stay present, man.”  “Can’t worry about tomorrow.  I’m just focusing on the here and now.”


That wasn’t another attempt to slow down time.  I just realize every quote can be at least 7% funnier if you punctuate it with a  “man” at the end.

“Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what your can do for your country, man.”

There’s no way you can picture JFK saying that when you read it with a “man” at the end,  am I right?

Whenever I use “man” in this context, I have a very specific image in my head of this earnest hippie guy embodying my quotes.  I feel like I may have mentioned him before in another post but this is not the time to get into my memory issues.  I’m already six miles and 600 words away from where I started with your horoscope.  Anyway, the hippie guy in my head is always getting disappointed and let down by all sorts of things he attributes to the shortcomings, pettiness and vindictiveness of every member of the human race who fails to evolve.  Come to think of it, he’s not such a huge fan of China either.

“I can’t believe this!  They forgot the duck sauce packets again, man!”

In case you’re interested in what he looks like. He’s real skinny, around 5’10”, 5′ 11″. wears wire rimmed glasses with an outdated prescription so he squints a lot, has mouse-brown colored hair down to his shoulders, a kind of wispy, unkempt beard and mustache and always wears dungarees even when it’s 90 degrees in summer.

Summer.  Right.  Your horoscope.

Lots of activities in the skies.  The Moon void in Pisces. Venus is having it out with Neptune, more or less an annual event according to my sources over at Yahoo Shine Horoscope central.  Later on today the Moon trines the Sun in fire signs and we should all be keeping our eyes on Jupiter if only because it’s so large and powerful and has an IQ 16 points lower than Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”.

“Tell me about the Earth, George.”

“Jupiter, put the Earth down, you’re crushing it!”

This weekend is a good time to be thinking about your career.  To determine whether or not you are happy or should be doing something else.   Discuss this with close friends or loved ones or take a long bike or canoe ride and ponder it on your own.   Monday might be the day to make a move.  But if you do something drastic and it doesn’t work out, don’t come crying to me.  I’m just the vessel.  The monkey terra firma to the celestial organ grinder from above.    The American cheese to the ham… You get the picture.

Finally, don’t invite anyone over to your house for dinner without asking your parents, spouse or partner first.  I did that a few weeks ago and had my head handed to me.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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3 thoughts on “Your Official One Size Fits All Weekend Horoscope”

  1. Thank you, Deb and Kathy. I wish I could take credit but as stated, it’s — hold on, I have to scroll up to remember what I wrote initially – that’s right. it’s the universe who speaks through me. I will pass on your complements to the universe when I see it tomorrow night. We have tickets for Brad Paisley.

  2. Well written and hilarious. You have a quirky mind. I like this in a person. 😉

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