YOU’RE PUTTING WHAT . . . WHERE? | HumorOutcasts

YOU’RE PUTTING WHAT . . . WHERE?

September 12, 2013
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     I have had low back issues for years and thankfully through Chiropractic care I have maintained this annoyance until just recently.  However, all good things seem to come to an end sometime.  My sometime was April 8, 2013.  I went home from work with an 11+ pain level.  Seeing my Chiropractor the next day, he gave me the sad news that I had gone as far as I could go with his form of treatment.  He referred me to a neurologist.  After reviewing the results from a plethora of tests, I was given three options:  physical therapy, shots, or surgery.  I chose PT.  This made everything worse.  Because of the severity of the nerve root compression and disc herniation, shots would not be effective. So, the only logical option was surgery.

     The surgeon chosen for me has a great reputation not only among local physicians but also nurses and hospital staff.  I really felt at ease going into admitting at 5:30 am on the morning of June 28, 2013.  The three and a half hour surgery went well and recovery was good.  I have a lovely 4 inch incision between T12 and L4 held together with sutures and 16 substantial staples. I had my friend take photos.  I was amazed to view the neat zig zag pattern presented and wondered if this was from Simplicity or McCall’s pattern book?  In addition to this, I had a drain tube coming out of my lower back going into some kind of round container that looked like one of those wheels for wrapping a yard hose.  I thought it was rather interesting but did not pay much attention to it.  I guess that is why I pulled the tube out of my back on the second day while shifting in bed.  It was a little messy, but no big deal.

The really big question after surgery is when are you going to pee and poop? Other than checking vitals and giving out meds, peeing and pooping are at the top of the list.  Well, let me tell you.  I just could not pee.  I tried and tried to no avail.  Of course it doesn’t help that the nurse is standing there urging you on.  Later another nurse came in with a machine to measure how much urine I had in my bladder.  This is the male version of  sonograms.  Well of course my bladder was full and needed to be emptied.  I tried again but nothing!  Then the nurse said that I had to be catheterized or a full bladder could damage my kidneys and cause infection.  When she explained what the procedure was I said, “You’re going to put what . . .  where?”   The next thing I knew she grabbed my winkey and proceeded to insert the tube all the way from Asheville to Charlotte hitting a big road block called the Prostate gland. Finally entering the bladder I felt relief.  However, I still could not pee.  The next day, guess what?  It was another trip from Asheville to Charlotte in the morning and again in the afternoon with the same road block. The afternoon nurse had quite a problem getting the tube to go through the prostate gland and kept asking if I had prostate problems.  The only answer I could give was that if they kept on doing this procedure I probably would have prostate problems.  Well, success at last!  From then on everything worked at both ends, and I was happy.   Hallelujah!

Robert Sneed

As a retired Chiropractor now working in the hospitality field, laughter is indeed the stabilizer in my life. My joy is to share this humor with you. Read my new book, "Unexpected Performance" to enjoy the many interesting and crazy events that take place as an audio host including the rather unusual production of a Segway Ballet.

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One Response to YOU’RE PUTTING WHAT . . . WHERE?

  1. Deb Martin-Webster
    September 13, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA! Very funny Robert! Welcome back!



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