Pick up a load of paper from a box. Take a few of them in my hand. Offer them as a sacrifice to the shredder god. Listen to the loud noise and watch the paper being devoured. Repeat. Repeat again. The shredder god must be appeased or he will post all of our office secrets on Facebook and destroy us.
Watch that I don’t feed the shredder god too much at once, or he’ll belch, it will get stuck and I’ll have to press Reverse to get it out. Shredder gods are finicky eaters. Messy ones, too. They leave crumbs of paper all over the floor. No table manners at all.
Okay. My hands are moving automatically and the shredder god is happy so far.
This is BO-RING! I hate shredding. I hate it I hate it I hate it!
And I have “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” running through my brain. Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I might as well sing to myself. “When you’re weary, feeling small, la dum, la dum, la dum; da da da da, da da da da And friends just can’t be found, Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down. Like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down.”*
Uh oh. People are starting to look at me. I’d better put Simon and Garfunkel to rest.
Shred. Shred. Shred. The shredder god must have his lunch.
One of the papers I’m shredding is from WES. That stands for World Education Society. I wonder how many other names I could make up to go with that acronym. Let’s see:
Wandering Emus of Siberia
Wiry Elephant Smellers
Wormy Elf Statue-makers
Hehe! Now I’m giggling and people are looking at me again.
Damn! The shredder god belched. Press reverse. Pull on paper. Get out of there, you big lump of tree garbage! Okay. There it comes. Pull out half the papers, feed in smaller amounts. Good.
Warp-Eared Salamanders!
Oh, man! I’m on a roll.
This continues until 5:00 and freedom.
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*Lyrics by Paul Simon. Copyright Paul Simon Music. This is for the benefit of those of you who didn’t know this already.
One thing about taking 911 calls for a living: seldom repetitive.
LOVE your WES acronyms!!!
I never have that much fun shredding!! Good tips! 🙂
Thanks. In the last few days, I have become the No. 1 World Champion Shredder Operator. I think I know just about everything there is to know about the freakin’ machine except for the decibel level of its noise (LOUD).
Maybe if I sing a couple of verses of “C’e la Luna” to it it will blush and stop working for a while, so I can have a rest. 😉
Personally, I sing, LOUDLY, “I don’t want a pickle, just wanna ride on my motor sickle…”
(Arlo,THE MAN, Guthrie)
Being half-Italian, I’ve been known to croon “C’e la Luna Mezz’ o Mare.” I don’t dare sing out loud in my office, but if I were to sing this one out loud it really wouldn’t matter. Nobody would understand the Sicilian dialect, so they wouldn’t know how dirty the song is! 😉
Love this song. I used to use it as a lullaby to rock the babies to sleep when I babysat. Worked like a charm.
You are very adaptable. Don’t they have a BBQ you could use (indoors)?
I don’t know. I don’t think the shredder god likes burnt offerings.
Shredding for me, was never as interesting as this!
It isn’t so much interesting as brain cell murdering. When you lose enough brain tissue you start singing Simon and Garfunkel songs and making up alternative names for acronyms.