Me: What’s the most recent picture you have of me?
My mom: *pulls out an ultrasound pic*
Me: That’s it?
Mom: You weren’t a pretty child.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure. Just let me take care of a couple things 1st.
*makes a grocery list*
*cleans off the DVR*
*earns a master’s degree*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014
*sanitizes all the sippy cups*
*sees 1-year-old eat an ice cube from the garbage can*
*gives up on parenting*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014
I accidentally hit my 3-year-old with a car door. I’m still shaken up. She could’ve damaged the paint.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014
Pregnant wife: *wears sparkly shirt*
Me: You look like a Christmas ornament
W: *storms off*
M: IT WAS A COMPLIMENT!
Women are impossible
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2014