If you’re lactose intolerant, eat more beef. It won’t help your condition. It’ll just teach those cows a lesson for trying to kill you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014
Me: Where’s the remote? 3-year-old: I hid it. Me: Where? 3: I forgot. I get it, couples that don’t want kids. I get it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014
I didn’t wave at you. I raised my hand as part of a Jedi mind trick. This isn’t the awkward small talk you’re looking for.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014
Wife: Your shirt stinks. Me: *changes shirt* Wife: Nevermind. That smell is you. This is why we don’t talk.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014
I keep glow sticks in my desk at all times. Coworkers keep their distance when they know at any moment I could start a rave.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2014
